I think I said yes...
This past weekend opened some doors for me I never thought I would allow to be open. Going into the weekend, I had a lot of worries, a lot of questions, but there was no doubt, I wanted to see him again. Because he is my friend, my best friend. When I have something I have to get off my chest it is him I usually turn to, when I am happy, I cannot wait to talk to him to share it. When I want to scream, he usually takes the blunt end of it.
So I know we have had some issues during the last few weeks, but they were issues that could have been solved with better communication. There are those that he cares about, as there are those that I care about. It doesn't change what we feel for each other, or how we are with each other.
So this weekend, he came here as my friend, and left as my sorta, kinda fiance. Do you know how much that word scares me? Not so much now, but before him...lots. So I know there is a road ahead for both of us to travel to get where we both want to be. I know that we will get there, because we started out as friends, and that is always what is there behind the love that we share.
I understand his relationship with Jennie and the kids. After such a long history with someone, it is normal to feel for that person. I also am secure in the fact that Jennie will not cause problems between us. They are his kids in his heart, so to me they are his period. He has to do the daddy thing. I would never ask for that to change.
I know how much his friendships mean to him. His friends families. I think it is wonderful to watch a man just love. Love with everything, and that is what he gives to them. That I would never ask to change either.
I love him for who he is. Not who I think he should be.
As he does me.
He has taken most of the blame for our past issues, but he is not totally to blame. Not by a long shot. I'm a bitch. Not all the time, but when I hurt, it comes out swinging. My words go out to hurt whatever has hurt me. And I did. With my words I kept making this divide between us bigger, and I hated it.
Before this weekend, he kept a lot inside. Things that I had no idea about. This weekend, I felt like the most special woman in the world. While we went into the weekend with everything resolved, (we worked on that the previous weekend and week) it allowed us to go back to that friendship that lead us where we are.
To hear his laugh again, was simply magical.
He kept saying things this weekend that made me think this is where we were headed. But I did not push, I figured if he was ready, he would talk about it. Saturday night, as our friends were getting ready to leave, he did. Hearing the words, I think I will have to marry you by next summer nearly knocked me unconscious. Knowing that he said have to not may have to told me he was serious. Late into the night we talked about what was ahead. How we were going to handle things that we know are going to come up because issues will. And when he left the next morning, I felt secure that this is something that not only I want, but that he does too.
Knowing that he is wanting to work toward this, seeing him be open about it, allows me to see that I was not just dreaming this weekend. That we are better than okay.
In the end, we always go back to that deep friendship, the one that we told our darkest secrets. We build on that. By building on that, we build on each other. Even when our words are twisted by others, or are actions are not seen for what they are, we go back to that, and work from there. That helps us to build on what we have. To overcome, and make us stronger.
I am very happy, and seeing, reading and hearing that he is too, has made all the difference, on if I talk completely openly or not.
So I know we have had some issues during the last few weeks, but they were issues that could have been solved with better communication. There are those that he cares about, as there are those that I care about. It doesn't change what we feel for each other, or how we are with each other.
So this weekend, he came here as my friend, and left as my sorta, kinda fiance. Do you know how much that word scares me? Not so much now, but before him...lots. So I know there is a road ahead for both of us to travel to get where we both want to be. I know that we will get there, because we started out as friends, and that is always what is there behind the love that we share.
I understand his relationship with Jennie and the kids. After such a long history with someone, it is normal to feel for that person. I also am secure in the fact that Jennie will not cause problems between us. They are his kids in his heart, so to me they are his period. He has to do the daddy thing. I would never ask for that to change.
I know how much his friendships mean to him. His friends families. I think it is wonderful to watch a man just love. Love with everything, and that is what he gives to them. That I would never ask to change either.
I love him for who he is. Not who I think he should be.
As he does me.
He has taken most of the blame for our past issues, but he is not totally to blame. Not by a long shot. I'm a bitch. Not all the time, but when I hurt, it comes out swinging. My words go out to hurt whatever has hurt me. And I did. With my words I kept making this divide between us bigger, and I hated it.
Before this weekend, he kept a lot inside. Things that I had no idea about. This weekend, I felt like the most special woman in the world. While we went into the weekend with everything resolved, (we worked on that the previous weekend and week) it allowed us to go back to that friendship that lead us where we are.
To hear his laugh again, was simply magical.
He kept saying things this weekend that made me think this is where we were headed. But I did not push, I figured if he was ready, he would talk about it. Saturday night, as our friends were getting ready to leave, he did. Hearing the words, I think I will have to marry you by next summer nearly knocked me unconscious. Knowing that he said have to not may have to told me he was serious. Late into the night we talked about what was ahead. How we were going to handle things that we know are going to come up because issues will. And when he left the next morning, I felt secure that this is something that not only I want, but that he does too.
Knowing that he is wanting to work toward this, seeing him be open about it, allows me to see that I was not just dreaming this weekend. That we are better than okay.
In the end, we always go back to that deep friendship, the one that we told our darkest secrets. We build on that. By building on that, we build on each other. Even when our words are twisted by others, or are actions are not seen for what they are, we go back to that, and work from there. That helps us to build on what we have. To overcome, and make us stronger.
I am very happy, and seeing, reading and hearing that he is too, has made all the difference, on if I talk completely openly or not.
posted by Syren
at 4:28 PM
