Okay, where he left off we had broken up. I was devastated. And while I will say he did fuck up, I did too. He trusted me with something, and in my pain and need for knowing, I did something he asked me not to do.

For those of you who have access to my other blog, you have read this story, but probably did not know you were. We both did some rash things. He deleted blogs, I made a whole new one.

But away from that. I am going to give ya just a little more history on me. Maybe it will help you understand a little more, maybe not, but it is part of the story.

So as I have said that Ryans dad and I spilt on very very bad terms. What you don't know though is that I loved that man. I loved him with every fiber of my being. We were high school sweethearts. He was the jock, but the bad boy jock. He played football, soccer, and was really the all American boy next door. Other than the fact that he did lots of drugs and drank a lot. But what people don't know doesn’t effect what they perceive as being reality. My dad though, saw right through him. He told me from the beginning that he was not good for me, and that I needed someone, something else. I did not listen. So we were together, and while I was not the most popular girl in school, I was pretty popular. I had lots of friends, but noone could understand what he was doing with me. He got questioned on it all the time. As I was not the most popular, I also was not the prettiest. He was hot. Blonde hair, blue eyes, 6'2" and a body that was just so freaking hot, and the sex, OMG. Really that is what kept me with him for those 5.5 years.

So here I was in love with this guy. He loved me too, I know that. There is not a doubt in my mind. But a person can only take so much pulling from all sides, and if anyone was getting pulled he was. Seriously. The first time I met his parents, we were sitting in his family room. Me, him, Amy and Kevin. We were watching a movie when he dad came in from work. His dad looked at me and Chris on the couch and asked him to come into the other room. While in there we could hear his dad yelling at him about what that fat whore was doing in there. That they wanted me out immediately. Needless to say, we left. Now, I have always had a weight problem, and that was just a year after I stopped playing basketball and volleyball, so while I was not tiny, I was not fat. I am now, but that is a whole different story.

There were many many nights that Chris would call, because him and his dad were fighting. And when I say fighting, I mean out in the yard fist to fist. His parents hated me with a single glance and they were sure to make sure he knew that.

Chris and I also had an open relationship, because we were both bi. It worked fine until we left here. I am fast forwarding the story past my years at WVU because there is so much to tell. We ended up in TN. We stayed with a friend until we realized she was nuts. We ended up living in a tent for three months. Not because of lack of money, but because of lack of responsibility.

I remember the first time he hit me. I also remember the last. It's the in between that I have problems remembering. When I say it was bad, it was. It did not just leave scars on my heart, but my body bears what I went through. But I loved him, and I was not going to leave him. Then I became pregnant. That was the single worse day in my life. I realized that while I loved him, I did not like him. There is a huge difference. He actually told me that if I would get an abortion he would marry me. I responded with an absolute no. Later that evening he came to the hotel I was staying at, got down on one knee and proposed. That was an absolute no too. Although I lived through hell with him, there was no way I was going to put a child in that mess. NO FREAKING WAY.

So to close up that part, I still hurt over what happened in those years. I always will. It is not a pain that just disappears. It is always there. The scars that I have embarrass me and remind me of what I have been through. But it is the scars on my heart that really have done damage to those I love the most.

With that I will get back to us. I loved him, there was not a doubt that I did. But with what happened to make us breakup, I really did not know if I had it in me to deal with stuff. I was mad, I was hurt, I was broken.

I was also a bitch. He mentioned that when I get mad, watch out. I want to expand on that, when I get hurt, I will hurt you. I won't mean too, but I will. I will push and push, without even realizing what it is that I am doing. And in a sense I did that with S. I pushed with my words. With my irrationality. I pushed until we both questioned if it was worth it.

But still in my heart I knew it was. I knew that I loved him. And not the love that I had with Chris. I loved this man. I loved him for everything he was, nothing hidden. But I also took a lot of my past pain out on him when he did hurt me, and for that I will always be sorry. But there was also a part of me that kept saying that he expected to fail, and really I was not about to allow that to happen. His past relationships did not define him, and I was not going to just let him throw in the towel because he thought it was inevitable that he would fuck up. I had faith in the person he was, as well in what I knew we had when we were together.

So, he took us up to that third meeting and a little beyond. I will not elaborate on what it was that happened, because like he said that is something that needs to remain in the past. I do know however, I for one was not ready to give up. We were planning for him to come on Bridge day. I so wanted him to be here, because that was something that we had talked about from the beginning. We had already planned on him coming, and frankly I did not see why he shouldn't because we were still friends. I had no idea that he had though about marriage seriously before this. But I will say back when this all started we did talk about kids and I told him that if he wanted them he needed to get my pregnant by Nov. Because if I was going to push out another baby, I wanted it here before I turned 30.

The weekend came and he was on his way. Still to this day, when I know I am going to see him, I get butterflies in my belly. But this meeting was not going to be like the ones before. I knew that. We were going to be spending the weekend together as friends.

Without giving too much info, sex in public is a wonderful thing. Sex somewhere dirty, like an adult movie store, in a booth, where other people can and will hear you, is something completely exhilarating. *grin*

We went to a gay club here in the area, and while it was dead because it was early, we had some time to kill before doing that thing I said up there.

Sometime on Friday, or even early Saturday, I was against the wall, and he was in front of me. I asked him if I got pregnant would he marry me he said that he would not need that reason to marry me. That was clue number one that we were headed to being back together, but really I had no idea what he was thinking.

We went to bridge day, and had a lot of fun. We came home and had another couple over for a few hours. They are also like we are in regards to their relationship, and she, well she is just as cute as can be. *wink*

Later that night, I was in here on the computer, and he came in here. That is when he said it. Now you may not know, but his proposal was something more of telling me. He looked at me and said, I think one day next year I am going to have to marry you. Then he waited for a response. I asked if he was asking me or telling me.

So there it was. He proposed in the only way that would be befitting to this relationship. And of course I said yes. YES YES YES. I felt safe with him. And while we had had problems, I knew that as long as we kept that initial friendship going, we could overcome anything.

So the next few weeks were filled with me dreading telling my dad. As many of you know. However you may not know what triggered it in me to finally tell him.

I took Ryan to see his dad. One, because Ryan asked to go, and Two because his dad promised things were different. That he wanted to see his son. He said we could stay there and he would provide food and such. I did not have that much money, so Ryan had to make a choice between his birthday party and seeing his dad. He choose his dad.

Long story short. No food. Well nothing more than a few eggs and some chicken nuggets. I hurt my arm on the way there, and when I got there realized I had left our bag with our underthings and pj's and stuff at home. Frankly I was not wanting to walk around this mans house without that stuff, so I took what little money I had, and I got us some things. But then there was the problem with needing food. My kid was not going to stay anywhere without stuff for decent meals. I broke down and did something that I never thought I would do. I called S. Through my tears I told him a little about what was going on and asked him to send me a little bit of money to make sure I could get us home.

Long story short, the last night we were there (because after this, we left. A day early), Chris came back drunk and belligerent. It was back to old times. And while he was not mean or aggressive to me, Ryan has never been around anyone like that, and I was not about to let the first one be his dad. I was so mad at him. I pretty much threw him out of his own apt. till I could get Ryan up and dressed and our stuff together. Ryan woke up in the middle, and while I did not think he remembered because he fell right back to sleep, a few weeks later he told me that he knew his dad was drunk.

So I left, and I called S. at 4 in the morning to tell him that I had left. I was so tired. I did not have any sleep, my arm was killing me and I knew that this was the end of Chris for a very long time. I also knew that I had to tell my dad. I mean why pussyfoot around with this asshole who is simply a sperm donor when I had this wonderful person right there. There was no reason for me to be ashamed, and I wasn't, there was simply no reason to hide him from my parents.

So I told my dad, and while at first it was a little rocky, he is taking things pretty good. I even think I have him convinced to walk me down the aisle.

Me and S spent several weeks together since then. We spent thanksgiving together. Going from my family to his. It was perfect. It fit. I know that this is right in my heart, and there is simply no denying the love that we feel. We have went to NC for the birth of my godson. My best friend just loves him, and they would love to see us move there, but I don't see that anytime in the near future.

Then came the time for my period. And it did not come. Okay, so I was going to be late, no biggie. Then I got sick one night. Stomach flu, right? Then the next night I got sick again, and the next night, once again. I remembered from days of having Ryan in my belly that morning sickness came in the eve for me. I had not mentioned to him that I was sick, nor did I mention that I thought I was pregnant. He knew I was late, but no big deal, we did not think his swimmers could swim anyway.

Well, I made a trip to Wal-Mart, came home and took the little test that I bought. IT was positive before the control line even popped up. I stated crying. Not because I was sad, but because of past fears resurfacing. I did not want to raise a child alone. I knew that I would not have to again, but old habits die hard. I did not call him, I waited till he called me. At first I did not even know if I was going to tell him. As soon as I heard his voice though, I said I have to tell you something. Then I started crying, and really I think it took about five minutes to even get it out.

He was happy, and I was in disbelief. Two days later I drove down to spend Christmas with him. We discussed the babies room, and about getting a new car. We spent the week together, and it was just wonderful once again.

So that pretty much brings us to today. I am currently 8 weeks. I am so happy and excited and scared that I could just burst. And I am also raging with pregnancy hormones. Take pity on him, because I have just not been a nice person. I say things, and then I feel so ashamed.

Here we are. The wedding was moved from July 1st, to May 5th or 6th depending. We have a baby growing. Ryan is so happy to be finally getting a family that is not broken, the words of a seven year old. Although he has told me that he cannot and will not be a big brother to a sister. LOL.

Stay tuned as our journey together unfolds. It is one that while wonderful and sweet and loving, will undoubtedly have its problems, but things that are worth it are never really easy to begin with.

No question though, I love this man, and am completely ready to spend my life with him.