I feel like I need to post, not because it is expected but because I need something to be in this space that is not so...revealing.

I went into this weekend with full intentions to do something that I did not want to do, but felt that I had to. It was hard knowing that I felt as though I was at the end of my rope. Knowing that while I loved him with everything inside me, I could not take anymore hurt. That for this to work something had to change.

He blames himself, I blame myself. Either way, that first night we talked. Really really talked. It was needed and the realizations that came to light were deserved. As in something we both deserved to know.

I love Steve. I know that he loves me. I just did not know if that love was strong enough to really work through the things that have been happening. I honestly did not know if I had the energy to want to work through them.

I won't go into details about what happened, because really that is private, but it hurt. Worse than any pain I have ever felt. It did not just hurt our relationship, but the ongoing hurt me inside. The wondering, doubting, and knowing. It all built up to the point that I had to do something. Therapy was my something.

I know that many of you posted that I should feel no shame, but I do. I feel like a failure. I survived domestic abuse, started my life over with nothing but a child inside me, am getting ready to finish school, and all of a sudden I felt like I could not do anything anymore. I have never felt so bad that I was ready to give up on everything. I am not going to elaborate on that statement, but I will say that it was the worse of times. The worst of thoughts.

This weekend was like a cleansing. I feel that everything that needed to come out, did. I feel that both of us are ready and willing to work on this. Relationships of any sort require work, determination, and more work. The pay off is what you work towards, but the work never stops. I guess after we got engaged, with the planning and then the news of the baby, the working was directed somewhere else, and we lost us.

There are going to be some changes made, on both parts. I need to be a little more understanding, a little more supportive. He is making changes that he needs not only for me, but also for himself. To live a happy life. In the past when he has mentioned stopping things I have always said no, you don't need to do that, but I was wrong. He knows better than anyone what he needs, so this time I am just supporting.

I ask a lot of questions. I bug people when I am curious. It is by nature that I am so curious, but it is by training that I re-ask over and over. I am a criminal justice major, with a concentration in criminal investigation. I need to learn to keep that out of my personal life.

One thing that I think we both wish for a little is that we were more anonymous. We met at a very public place, we have a lot of the same online friends, we both have open blogs, it is like we are a soap opera, without the ratings and pay scale. I love my friends, and I know over the last few months I have closed in on myself, and left people out. I have my reasons for a few, but then there are those like Arkie that I simply adore. And that is my fault. I take things to personally, and that is something that has affected all parts of my life, my entire life.

We did come out of this weekend with a different outcome than I originally expected. And I am happy. The hurt that was so deep inside has begun to dissipate, the anger is leaving. I can feel it going away. I am not going to stop going to therapy because it is helping me with how I talk to him and other people. I enjoy being able to just get things out. I used to use writing as my out, but like Arkie, if I do not write right then, right when it hits me it is lost. Writing is very therapeutic, but I have to catch it right when the thoughts are forming, or else it doesn't work for me.

Yesterday soon after we woke up, he asked if I was happy...and you know for the first time in months I was able to answer honestly. Because I was. I am.

Together we will work on things to make us and our baby, and Ryan happy. We deserve it.