I have a Dr. appt. today. It is an appointment I cannot even tell my closest IRL friends about. A secret I have been keeping now for about three weeks, maybe four. I guess it is four, since this is my forth session.

I have been seeing a therapist. For depression. Some shit has happened recently, and I just cannot deal with it on my own. I have one IRL friend who knows, but she only knows that I asked her about who someone should see if they are like this. Because she works in the field. She has no idea I am going. I cannot tell them, because I am the strong one of the group. I am the one that everyone else leans on. But this time, I need someone...and really there isn't anyone there. Today I go at 1. Really I am looking forward to it, because I feel like I see better afterwards. But that doesn't change the fact that I feel embarrassed that I am going.

I tried to do it on my own. To get past what has happened to make me feel this way. I blamed it on pregnancy hormones, but I know that is not what it is.

I am just so sick and tired of being sad. ALL THE TIME. Never knowing if I am going to cry or laugh.

I have been taking it out on Ryan, which is horrible. Last week before I left to go to GA, moments before he got on the bus to go to school, I yelled at him. I screamed at him. I never do that. I felt so horrible afterwards that before I left I went to his school, got him out of class to tell him I was sorry. His response, it's okay mom, everyone has a bad day sometimes. But you know what, it is not okay.

IT is not okay for me to feel like this. It is not okay that Ryan is the one who deals with mommy crying for most of the day.

Three weeks ago it got so bad that I did not even get out of my PJ's anymore. My Christmas tree was still up last week, I finally felt good enough to take it down.

I get to where I feel great, and then I feel so low, so ashamed, so bad, so ugly...really that is the only word to describe what I really feel inside, that I just crawl into myself and cry. All day.

Sometimes, when I lay down to go to sleep I pray that I won't wake up, just so I do not have to feel this way anymore.

Then there are days where I feel wonderful. Like I can conquer the world again. I begin to rebuild me, and something happens and I just crawl back inside.

See once inside, you cannot hurt anymore. You do not have to. If that wall is high enough no one can get over it to cause you damage. That is the way I lived my life after Chris. And honestly, I could probably take a thousand beatings better than I am taking what is happening right now.

So...please...tell me something funny. Something happy. Make me smile. Don't give me sympathy because really that will just make me feel like a whiny bitch. Tell me a joke, something stupid...just something to put a little happiness for just a moment inside.