Sharing
MTW's secrets post got me to thinking. Sometimes secrets are good things, but what about those secrets that affect other people? Should you tell them?
Last week I received a very disturbing anonymous email telling me something that I needed to know, something that should not have been a secret, but was. Should that person not have sent that email?
At first I was really mad. It had to do with some issues and it cut deep. Then I started to find it comical that someone was so worried about what was going on in my life that they had to hide behind a fake name. Then I got suspicious. And. That is bad. I got suspicious because it made me wonder what else it is that is a secret that would hurt and cut deep.
I have always had an ability to use logical reasoning to take the puzzle pieces and see where they fit, to try to figure out what it is that is going on around me. That has always been a quality that has helped in many facets of my life.
Add that email on top of recent events and it is like I am right back where I started from. And you know what, I always feel so ashamed, because when I am in this cycle of depression and hurt and anger, I take it all out on him. And he, does not deserve it, because in all honesty, it is me. It is my craziness that just won't go away.
This weekend was wonderful. Most of the wedding stuff is done. And that is a huge relief, but then today...bam...for no reason but my own feelings, my own thoughts, I succumb to my thoughts and treat him like shit.
I just don't know what to do anymore.
I want to scream for help, for understanding, but all I feel I get are walls all around me. I have no idea how to ask for help. How to reach out and say this is what I feel this is what is wrong with me, this is what needs to happen for it to be fixed. I just don't know how to let go.
Because of that I feel the strain, I feel the discourse and it makes it worse.
I just want for everything to be right again. For me to be enough. For this cycle to end and let me reemerge whole and not broken as I feel most days.
Last week I received a very disturbing anonymous email telling me something that I needed to know, something that should not have been a secret, but was. Should that person not have sent that email?
At first I was really mad. It had to do with some issues and it cut deep. Then I started to find it comical that someone was so worried about what was going on in my life that they had to hide behind a fake name. Then I got suspicious. And. That is bad. I got suspicious because it made me wonder what else it is that is a secret that would hurt and cut deep.
I have always had an ability to use logical reasoning to take the puzzle pieces and see where they fit, to try to figure out what it is that is going on around me. That has always been a quality that has helped in many facets of my life.
Add that email on top of recent events and it is like I am right back where I started from. And you know what, I always feel so ashamed, because when I am in this cycle of depression and hurt and anger, I take it all out on him. And he, does not deserve it, because in all honesty, it is me. It is my craziness that just won't go away.
This weekend was wonderful. Most of the wedding stuff is done. And that is a huge relief, but then today...bam...for no reason but my own feelings, my own thoughts, I succumb to my thoughts and treat him like shit.
I just don't know what to do anymore.
I want to scream for help, for understanding, but all I feel I get are walls all around me. I have no idea how to ask for help. How to reach out and say this is what I feel this is what is wrong with me, this is what needs to happen for it to be fixed. I just don't know how to let go.
Because of that I feel the strain, I feel the discourse and it makes it worse.
I just want for everything to be right again. For me to be enough. For this cycle to end and let me reemerge whole and not broken as I feel most days.
posted by Syren
at 12:33 PM
