On my drive back here yesterday from my baby's, I started to think about a post Catt made after spending time with Dingus. She talked about how it felt going back to her shitty life. That is exactly how I felt yesterday.

I felt as though I was leaving my home and going back to something that I just did not feel apart of anymore. I'm a mountain girl by heart, and normally when I see those mountains on the Horizon as I enter Virginia and start my upward quest to West Virginia, I feel serene. I feel at home. I feel the energy that radiates from them. Yesterday all I felt was bleh. They did not offer the comforting feeling that I normally get when I am surrounded by them. I still love the mountains, and the people, but there is something missing here, that I have never expected to miss, and that is my other half.

This past week was glorious. Ryan was such a different little boy. I watched this past week as my sweet little boy went back to being that kid that I am so proud of. The one that is innocent, fun, loving, and just a kid. Recently watching him here, I have seen him grow to be defensive, shy, and even distant. I know it has to do with how his cousins treat him, and then the issues with his dad. Before his cousins moved here, Ryan was so outgoing, so much fun, and now because of the two years of put downs and meanness that those kids posses, he has become sullen. He still laughs and plays, but that little bit of innocence was beginning to disappear. This week watching him interact with other kids, I had to remind him he no longer has to yell to be heard, that just talking works. That he doesn't have to be shy, that just talking to them works. I watched as he slowly tip toes over to see if his new found friends could play after school and felt so sorry for him, for feeling a fear of rejection that he is actually now afraid to ask anyone to play with him. When they said yes and came over to play some laser tag and slide on the slip and slide, the look on his face was pure astonishment. I really do not think he thought they would.

And then there is him. Do you know how much I love this man? How just the mere presence of him makes me get butterflies and weak in the knees? Then watching him with Ryan, my heart just swells.

In less than two weeks, we will be married. I am getting ready to leave everything I know. The mountains I love, my family, my friends, my house. Everything that is familiar. And two months ago I was scared to death. Now, I just cannot see spending another minute without him by my side.

My real sister responded that she is trying to come to the wedding. That she wishes our mother could be there too. I am glad that she is trying to be there, but also a little nervous about it. If she did come, it would be the first time I have seen her since I was 12. Before that the last time was when I was a baby, when our mother walked out with them.

Everything is falling into place. We are happy. I am happy. Gone are the days when sadness fills me, when I cry more than I smile. I am still doing the therapy thing, but I missed last week, but right now I feel better than I have in a long long time.