I have been pondering this post for about a week. I knew I wanted to post it, but really did not know what I wanted to say, or how I wanted to say it.

While S. was out of town, one night I took Ryan outside and we sat in some chairs and just looked up into the night sky. It doesn't get dark here like it does back home...actually I don't think anywhere gets as dark as it does down in a Holler in the middle of the night, but here...the lights from the different towns/city keep the night sky a mix between black and brown. That Sepia tone that lets you know its night time, but something is missing just a little.

We sat there looking up into the sky, and I began telling him about the stars...and I remembered something that I guess I forgot around the time I was entering into my own adulthood at the ripe age of 12...

...I am so happy today, Aunt Nancy and Uncle Doug will be coming over and tonight I get a telescope. I hope grams lets me take it out and Doug shows me how to use it and how to see the planets...

When I was little...lets just say my life was not normal. I had several outlets, drugs was one of them. So was sex...because I learned if you just laid there and gave them what they wanted, then at least someone cared about you...even if it is just for a few moments...
But I had two normal outlets, reading and seeking. That's what my uncle called it...seeking the stars. He and my Aunt would come over every night dad and drunk mom were out at the bar...so lets see that's 7 out of 7. Each day I looked forward to the moments that I could spend with my uncle.

...Here Tara, this is how you do it...now look, what do you see? Peace uncle Doug, I see peace. I think I want to be an astronaut when I grow up. I thought you wanted to be an attorney, to help the kids like you. Yea that's what I wanted to be yesterday, but today I want to feel peace...

He gave me my first and only telescope, but really he gave me so much more than that. Even today when I am feeling stressed, I go out into the night...usually in the car, but most times it is to a spot where I can get out and look up. Might be a store parking lot, but as long as I can look and feel peace I regain my sense of balance.

...Uncle Doug...I'm grown now...30 just last week. I know we don't talk anymore, and I have not seen you for many years...but I think of your words and the wisdom you shared with a child who had to be an adult to survive. I don't know if I ever told you, but I looked up to you...and have kept the memories of seeking the stars close to my heart. I hope to share them again with Ryan and then with the new baby when he gets older. My only wish is that instead of seeing my marriage as one you cannot agree with as one of peace...and to know that I know what you meant all those years ago. I remember you telling me that no one will ever take better care of you than you can, I also remember you telling me that one day I will find my prince and all the hurt and pain inside will be hard to release, but it will go over time and I would learn to love fully...with everything...Uncle Doug, I want you to know that I finally reached that point. That each day, I release a memory that has held the walls around me up for too long. I release and learn. Thank you, Uncle Doug...for the telescope...maybe I can send it back to you so you can seek and learn that the color of someones skin is just like the night sky...sometimes its darker in places, sometimes its lighter...either way, its still the same sky...

That telescope is still at my dads...it's a piece of my past that I have yet to let go, and doubt that I do anytime soon. During a time when all innocence was lost to me, it gave me hope...it gave me peace.

Steve's friend had this posted to her blog, and as many times as I have heard it I never paid attention to it...

the video and the lyrics I looked up actually made me cry just a little...or maybe that is the pregnancy hormones.

Unfaithful-Rihanna

I am so freakin happy and excited......and just proud.

Proud that a friend of mine, who is just 22, set his mind to do something...and he accomplished it, in less than 2 years he wrote a novel, and got it published....and it's good.

I know its good because I was one of the people who reviewed it, who read it when it was just words on a disk.

Brad has had a really shitty life...but it has not affected his spirit, his determination, his will to succeed. In class I was always in awe of him because he was so smart, so sarcastic, so...the polar opposite of me.

When I say the polar opposite...what I mean is the first time I met Brad, I knew he was smart, I knew he was sarcastic, what I didn't know was that he was a far right conservative. He is one person that I actually loved having debates with because he brought valid points and good arguments...

but he was open enough to listen, to learn, to look for answers on his own...instead of just going by what he has always believed or even what I would say.

Brad is still a conservative, but he is one who is very much for civil rights, for gay rights, and for a womans choice.

I am so proud of him...I just had to post the link to his first book, as I know there will be many more to come.

And Brad if you are reading this....get back to work on that second. Oh and hugs

Amazon.com: Guilty by Association

Last night I got a little notification that I had a new comment on my blog...so I looked all excited like I usually get, and saw that it was a comment I could have done without.

Everyone has an opinion, but don't drop it in my blog...unless you agree with me ;). Especially about something I feel so passionate about. If you want to debate, then we can debate by PM or by email...but don't come here with your rose colored glasses and think for a second that you can say something that I find offensive and not piss me off.

Because we are not on the boards here, I do not have to be nice, I do not have to hold my tongue, I do not have to allow your venom to filtrate into the depths of my being under the name of GOD. Your GOD, one that is not everyone else's GOD...get that. That senate you are waiting for...well...if they cast their vote that way because they feel their GOD is telling them too, then they should not be in that position in the first place. In that position, your religious views are not what should be ruling you, but the law of the land. The Constitution...something I do not think we should be violating anymore than we already have.

GOD, you say...whose GOD? Not mine...my GOD would not discriminate. He would love all, and realize that this issue is not one of his...as he never said that homosexuality was bad...it was lust he was referring too. LUST...don't you lust...

See if you do you're as much a sinner as me.

Marriage in biblical times was not for love, which we are talking about, it was for property gain. For control. And guess who it was that was controlled then? So when you say "Marriage is not a creation of man, but of God. " I call bullshit...and I also say that I will never be someones property. BTW: No one is asking to be married in your church...they are asking for the same rights that you as a hetero male white (you know because at one time blacks could not marry, it was against GOD) enjoy every single day. They are asking to be recognized by the law, as a married union. The law. Not GODS law. Not YOUR law. The law of a supposedly democratic nation who is supposed to view everyone as equal. We are not coming into your church and saying marry me and my partner. We are facing the country as a whole and saying it is time for you to stop seeing us as second class citizens, it is time for us to be counted, we love as you love and deserve as an American Citizen the right to be at our spouses side in the hospital, to be avowed the over 1100 different benefits that you enjoy. We are just different from you...not bad....different.

Do you know that if this amendment passes it will be the first amendment to pass that allows discrimination since slavery...since the before the voting acts. We learned then what that could do, the very fabric of our country was hanging by a thread...and you would like to go back to that, just because you do not agree with it and hide behind the idealism that your GOD says its not okay......did you ever think that your GOD was not everyone else's...and the reason being so is because of people like your self. A few people just like this were the reason I left my church and have never looked back. They pushed me out, inadvertently by being exactly like your comment suggests.

You say..."And man cannot define marriage to suit "the times." " Guess what...man has been redefining marriage since the beginning of time. Polygamy, polyandry, romantic marriage, pragmatic marriage, and levirate marriage, and sororate marriages. However...the US has defined itself as a monogamous culture. We only allow monogamous marriages...but but but but...why is it different here and not in many other countries, minus Europe...because it was redefined to meet the needs of our country. This was a requirement of Christianity, and part of Roman Law, which also supported prostitution, concubinage, sex outside of marriage, homosexual sex, and sexual access to slaves (yeah that one went over real well in the Christian South). Our country banned these practices, as a form of forming a culture that suitable to them...and you say man cannot define marriage to suit the times. We have been doing it for ages...for one reason or another. This is just seeing that there is a societal change, and we have to adapt...it's not always the strongest that survives, its the one most willing to adapt.

Stay out of their bedroom. Stay out of their lives. Stop trying to push your GOD onto someone who may have one already. Christianity is a young form of religion. There are many many older religions that people still study today that believe in allows people to love, without hate. So take your hate and go somewhere else.

You are not blue here, I cannot be banned from my own blog...so kiss my bisexual kitty licking ass.

Sorry about no updates, just busy around here.

No more contractions thank goodness and everything seems to be going as planned.

Here are some pics from Pride here...we had a good time and I felt bad that I was ruining everyones day, but it was fun. It's always wonderful to see Steph and I'm so glad we got to meet her GF finally.

We, well S. got people to pose for the camera, and we found the banana...or the rest of his family. Maybe I should have asked where sophie was with Bruiser, if they have gotten a ransom note or anything.

























It's funny the whole time on the way to the hospital and at the hospital, I kept thinking...1. Geg cursed me. Because of her calling me out on my typo I'm gonna have the baby...and 2. That I would not get my baby poll thread. I was really upset about that one.

So all in all everything is great around here. My parents and brother came to visit, which was nice. I need to start looking for something for my parents around here, I figure they will be here within the year.

My house goes up for auction on the 29th. There have already been 9 bids, but none have been close to the asking price so the auctioneer has turned them all down. At this point I just want to sell it and get some money and pay some bills.

Hope everyones haveing a great summer.