Seeking the stars
I have been pondering this post for about a week. I knew I wanted to post it, but really did not know what I wanted to say, or how I wanted to say it.
While S. was out of town, one night I took Ryan outside and we sat in some chairs and just looked up into the night sky. It doesn't get dark here like it does back home...actually I don't think anywhere gets as dark as it does down in a Holler in the middle of the night, but here...the lights from the different towns/city keep the night sky a mix between black and brown. That Sepia tone that lets you know its night time, but something is missing just a little.
We sat there looking up into the sky, and I began telling him about the stars...and I remembered something that I guess I forgot around the time I was entering into my own adulthood at the ripe age of 12...
...I am so happy today, Aunt Nancy and Uncle Doug will be coming over and tonight I get a telescope. I hope grams lets me take it out and Doug shows me how to use it and how to see the planets...
When I was little...lets just say my life was not normal. I had several outlets, drugs was one of them. So was sex...because I learned if you just laid there and gave them what they wanted, then at least someone cared about you...even if it is just for a few moments...
But I had two normal outlets, reading and seeking. That's what my uncle called it...seeking the stars. He and my Aunt would come over every night dad and drunk mom were out at the bar...so lets see that's 7 out of 7. Each day I looked forward to the moments that I could spend with my uncle.
...Here Tara, this is how you do it...now look, what do you see? Peace uncle Doug, I see peace. I think I want to be an astronaut when I grow up. I thought you wanted to be an attorney, to help the kids like you. Yea that's what I wanted to be yesterday, but today I want to feel peace...
He gave me my first and only telescope, but really he gave me so much more than that. Even today when I am feeling stressed, I go out into the night...usually in the car, but most times it is to a spot where I can get out and look up. Might be a store parking lot, but as long as I can look and feel peace I regain my sense of balance.
...Uncle Doug...I'm grown now...30 just last week. I know we don't talk anymore, and I have not seen you for many years...but I think of your words and the wisdom you shared with a child who had to be an adult to survive. I don't know if I ever told you, but I looked up to you...and have kept the memories of seeking the stars close to my heart. I hope to share them again with Ryan and then with the new baby when he gets older. My only wish is that instead of seeing my marriage as one you cannot agree with as one of peace...and to know that I know what you meant all those years ago. I remember you telling me that no one will ever take better care of you than you can, I also remember you telling me that one day I will find my prince and all the hurt and pain inside will be hard to release, but it will go over time and I would learn to love fully...with everything...Uncle Doug, I want you to know that I finally reached that point. That each day, I release a memory that has held the walls around me up for too long. I release and learn. Thank you, Uncle Doug...for the telescope...maybe I can send it back to you so you can seek and learn that the color of someones skin is just like the night sky...sometimes its darker in places, sometimes its lighter...either way, its still the same sky...
That telescope is still at my dads...it's a piece of my past that I have yet to let go, and doubt that I do anytime soon. During a time when all innocence was lost to me, it gave me hope...it gave me peace.
While S. was out of town, one night I took Ryan outside and we sat in some chairs and just looked up into the night sky. It doesn't get dark here like it does back home...actually I don't think anywhere gets as dark as it does down in a Holler in the middle of the night, but here...the lights from the different towns/city keep the night sky a mix between black and brown. That Sepia tone that lets you know its night time, but something is missing just a little.
We sat there looking up into the sky, and I began telling him about the stars...and I remembered something that I guess I forgot around the time I was entering into my own adulthood at the ripe age of 12...
...I am so happy today, Aunt Nancy and Uncle Doug will be coming over and tonight I get a telescope. I hope grams lets me take it out and Doug shows me how to use it and how to see the planets...
When I was little...lets just say my life was not normal. I had several outlets, drugs was one of them. So was sex...because I learned if you just laid there and gave them what they wanted, then at least someone cared about you...even if it is just for a few moments...
But I had two normal outlets, reading and seeking. That's what my uncle called it...seeking the stars. He and my Aunt would come over every night dad and drunk mom were out at the bar...so lets see that's 7 out of 7. Each day I looked forward to the moments that I could spend with my uncle.
...Here Tara, this is how you do it...now look, what do you see? Peace uncle Doug, I see peace. I think I want to be an astronaut when I grow up. I thought you wanted to be an attorney, to help the kids like you. Yea that's what I wanted to be yesterday, but today I want to feel peace...
He gave me my first and only telescope, but really he gave me so much more than that. Even today when I am feeling stressed, I go out into the night...usually in the car, but most times it is to a spot where I can get out and look up. Might be a store parking lot, but as long as I can look and feel peace I regain my sense of balance.
...Uncle Doug...I'm grown now...30 just last week. I know we don't talk anymore, and I have not seen you for many years...but I think of your words and the wisdom you shared with a child who had to be an adult to survive. I don't know if I ever told you, but I looked up to you...and have kept the memories of seeking the stars close to my heart. I hope to share them again with Ryan and then with the new baby when he gets older. My only wish is that instead of seeing my marriage as one you cannot agree with as one of peace...and to know that I know what you meant all those years ago. I remember you telling me that no one will ever take better care of you than you can, I also remember you telling me that one day I will find my prince and all the hurt and pain inside will be hard to release, but it will go over time and I would learn to love fully...with everything...Uncle Doug, I want you to know that I finally reached that point. That each day, I release a memory that has held the walls around me up for too long. I release and learn. Thank you, Uncle Doug...for the telescope...maybe I can send it back to you so you can seek and learn that the color of someones skin is just like the night sky...sometimes its darker in places, sometimes its lighter...either way, its still the same sky...
That telescope is still at my dads...it's a piece of my past that I have yet to let go, and doubt that I do anytime soon. During a time when all innocence was lost to me, it gave me hope...it gave me peace.
posted by Syren
at 5:52 PM
