There have been a few peeps to ask for a picture of the ring. I do not have one of it on my finger, but here is the set...

It is small, but I like small. I am not a big jewelry person, and besides this I only wear a watch and the occasional earrings. It is white gold, which I like much better than yellow gold, and just pretty. I love it.

I feel like I need to post, not because it is expected but because I need something to be in this space that is not so...revealing.

I went into this weekend with full intentions to do something that I did not want to do, but felt that I had to. It was hard knowing that I felt as though I was at the end of my rope. Knowing that while I loved him with everything inside me, I could not take anymore hurt. That for this to work something had to change.

He blames himself, I blame myself. Either way, that first night we talked. Really really talked. It was needed and the realizations that came to light were deserved. As in something we both deserved to know.

I love Steve. I know that he loves me. I just did not know if that love was strong enough to really work through the things that have been happening. I honestly did not know if I had the energy to want to work through them.

I won't go into details about what happened, because really that is private, but it hurt. Worse than any pain I have ever felt. It did not just hurt our relationship, but the ongoing hurt me inside. The wondering, doubting, and knowing. It all built up to the point that I had to do something. Therapy was my something.

I know that many of you posted that I should feel no shame, but I do. I feel like a failure. I survived domestic abuse, started my life over with nothing but a child inside me, am getting ready to finish school, and all of a sudden I felt like I could not do anything anymore. I have never felt so bad that I was ready to give up on everything. I am not going to elaborate on that statement, but I will say that it was the worse of times. The worst of thoughts.

This weekend was like a cleansing. I feel that everything that needed to come out, did. I feel that both of us are ready and willing to work on this. Relationships of any sort require work, determination, and more work. The pay off is what you work towards, but the work never stops. I guess after we got engaged, with the planning and then the news of the baby, the working was directed somewhere else, and we lost us.

There are going to be some changes made, on both parts. I need to be a little more understanding, a little more supportive. He is making changes that he needs not only for me, but also for himself. To live a happy life. In the past when he has mentioned stopping things I have always said no, you don't need to do that, but I was wrong. He knows better than anyone what he needs, so this time I am just supporting.

I ask a lot of questions. I bug people when I am curious. It is by nature that I am so curious, but it is by training that I re-ask over and over. I am a criminal justice major, with a concentration in criminal investigation. I need to learn to keep that out of my personal life.

One thing that I think we both wish for a little is that we were more anonymous. We met at a very public place, we have a lot of the same online friends, we both have open blogs, it is like we are a soap opera, without the ratings and pay scale. I love my friends, and I know over the last few months I have closed in on myself, and left people out. I have my reasons for a few, but then there are those like Arkie that I simply adore. And that is my fault. I take things to personally, and that is something that has affected all parts of my life, my entire life.

We did come out of this weekend with a different outcome than I originally expected. And I am happy. The hurt that was so deep inside has begun to dissipate, the anger is leaving. I can feel it going away. I am not going to stop going to therapy because it is helping me with how I talk to him and other people. I enjoy being able to just get things out. I used to use writing as my out, but like Arkie, if I do not write right then, right when it hits me it is lost. Writing is very therapeutic, but I have to catch it right when the thoughts are forming, or else it doesn't work for me.

Yesterday soon after we woke up, he asked if I was happy...and you know for the first time in months I was able to answer honestly. Because I was. I am.

Together we will work on things to make us and our baby, and Ryan happy. We deserve it.

I have a Dr. appt. today. It is an appointment I cannot even tell my closest IRL friends about. A secret I have been keeping now for about three weeks, maybe four. I guess it is four, since this is my forth session.

I have been seeing a therapist. For depression. Some shit has happened recently, and I just cannot deal with it on my own. I have one IRL friend who knows, but she only knows that I asked her about who someone should see if they are like this. Because she works in the field. She has no idea I am going. I cannot tell them, because I am the strong one of the group. I am the one that everyone else leans on. But this time, I need someone...and really there isn't anyone there. Today I go at 1. Really I am looking forward to it, because I feel like I see better afterwards. But that doesn't change the fact that I feel embarrassed that I am going.

I tried to do it on my own. To get past what has happened to make me feel this way. I blamed it on pregnancy hormones, but I know that is not what it is.

I am just so sick and tired of being sad. ALL THE TIME. Never knowing if I am going to cry or laugh.

I have been taking it out on Ryan, which is horrible. Last week before I left to go to GA, moments before he got on the bus to go to school, I yelled at him. I screamed at him. I never do that. I felt so horrible afterwards that before I left I went to his school, got him out of class to tell him I was sorry. His response, it's okay mom, everyone has a bad day sometimes. But you know what, it is not okay.

IT is not okay for me to feel like this. It is not okay that Ryan is the one who deals with mommy crying for most of the day.

Three weeks ago it got so bad that I did not even get out of my PJ's anymore. My Christmas tree was still up last week, I finally felt good enough to take it down.

I get to where I feel great, and then I feel so low, so ashamed, so bad, so ugly...really that is the only word to describe what I really feel inside, that I just crawl into myself and cry. All day.

Sometimes, when I lay down to go to sleep I pray that I won't wake up, just so I do not have to feel this way anymore.

Then there are days where I feel wonderful. Like I can conquer the world again. I begin to rebuild me, and something happens and I just crawl back inside.

See once inside, you cannot hurt anymore. You do not have to. If that wall is high enough no one can get over it to cause you damage. That is the way I lived my life after Chris. And honestly, I could probably take a thousand beatings better than I am taking what is happening right now.

So...please...tell me something funny. Something happy. Make me smile. Don't give me sympathy because really that will just make me feel like a whiny bitch. Tell me a joke, something stupid...just something to put a little happiness for just a moment inside.

Just a quick post before I head back to WV. Wanted to share a pic with everyone from the meet with Nookie.

Since I have been going to that other place, way back during one of the Big Brother seasons, there has been one person who has been constant in my online life. She has always been there if I need to rant, joke, or just talk. I knew she was an amazing woman, but on Saturday she touched my heart.

We were getting ready to go and meet Nookie and I was really trying to hurry when S. came into the bathroom with a box. We had been waiting on my ring, and while my heart jumped a little when I saw it, I knew it wasn't it. The box was way to big for a little ring. I knew that our friend was sending something and after I realized it was from her I got so excited.

We tore it open, and there was all these little surprises wrapped up. As I unwrapped each one, I felt a little closer to her. There was Hot Chocolate for R. S. and me to share, there was this sweet little TY baby bear for the baby, two little baby hats-one blue, one pink. There was a gift card for R., a book on smooches, and this wonderful smelling candle. Then I opened the blanket. It is so soft and in one of my favorite colors a light sage green, for the baby. And this box where we can ink the baby's feet prints on the outside, and save his/her first pair of shoes.

It was completely perfect. And I, being the emotional fool that I am, cried. I was just so touched. I knew that even though we may never meet, that I thought of her as one of my closest friends, but this was just something so sweet, something so unexpected.

So to MM, thank you. Thank you for the wonderful gift, and thank you for always being there. You have done so much just by listening, that I hope one day I can return the favor.

I am so glad to call this amazing woman my friend.

Then we went to meet Nookie. YIPEEE!! She is freaking beautiful. The whole time I just kept thinking wow, her eyes are the prettiest eyes I have ever seen. Kind and friendly eyes. My sister would say that they sparkle.

We had lunch, I ate way to much, and talked for about three hours. She got to share in another part of us.

We had ordered my engagement ring, but JcPenny messed up, so I thought it would not be here till the 16th. I was about to find out that I was wrong.

S. got up to go to the potty right after we ordered dessert. He was very excited. When he came back less than two minutes later he was all smiling. I had a feeling something was up. Then Nookie asked where the bathroom was, and he had no idea. I knew something was going on, but had no idea what yet. After she got up, I said okay what are you doing, what is going on, he was so cute, he got so excited and flustered he spit a little tea out.

She came back and our desserts came. When the waitress laid my down she also laid down a little ring box. My heart jumped.

My ring had been here since Thursday, and he surprised me with it. It was so sweet. So perfect.

I am still here. There is snow in WV, lots of it. So I won't leave till morning, but I had to update on the gift from MM to us, meeting the wonderful Nookie, and the little surprise of my ring.

If any of you have not met Nookie, and you get a chance, take it. She is funny, sweet, and just beautiful.

I have been waiting for about 3 years for this car to come out. I LOVE it. But alas, the baby will be here, and I will need a nice family car.

You Should Drive a Ford Shelby Mustang Cobra

You have an extreme need for speed, even when you're not in a hurry. And while your flying by, you don't want to look like every other car on the road!

Your Five Factor Personality Profile

Extroversion: You have high extroversion. You are outgoing and engaging, with both strangers and friends. You truly enjoy being with people and bring energy into any situation. Enthusiastic and fun, you're the first to say "let's go!" Conscientiousness: You have high conscientiousness. Intelligent and reliable, you tend to succeed in life. Most things in your life are organized and planned well. But you borderline on being a total perfectionist. Agreeableness: You have medium agreeableness. You're generally a friendly and trusting person. But you also have a healthy dose of cynicism. You get along well with others, as long as they play fair. Neuroticism: You have medium neuroticism. You're generally cool and collected, but sometimes you do panic. Little worries or problems can consume you, draining your energy. Your life is pretty smooth, but there's a few emotional bumps you'd like to get rid of. Openness to experience: Your openness to new experiences is high. In life, you tend to be an early adopter of all new things and ideas. You'll try almost anything interesting, and you're constantly pushing your own limits. A great connoisseir of art and beauty, you can find the positive side of almost anything.

Sometimes, I have feelings and know what has happened or what is going to happen. Sometimes I have dreams that I cannot explain, but within a few weeks I am living what I dreamed, or the object of my dream is.

When I woke up Sunday, I remembered my dreams from the night before...both were weird, one I know was because of something I had seen online, a gossip colum called the awful truth...the other was about Busta Ryhmes.

Then I open my news and read this today...Rhymes' Bodyguard Dies Outside Video Shoot

Feb 6, 6:15 AM EST
A star-studded music video shoot was interrupted by gunfire that killed a bodyguard for rapper Busta Rhymes, police said.
Missy Elliot, Busta Rhymes and G-Unit members including Lloyd Banks were scheduled to be filming on a ninth-floor soundstage when violence erupted outside the Brooklyn building early Sunday, said police Sgt. Kevin Farrell.
Israel Ramirez, 29, was killed with a single shot to the chest, Farrell said.
Some 500 people were gathered for the Busta Rhymes video, and it was unclear how many had been outside when shots were fired.
Investigators took possession of a nearby parked car that was hit by the gunfire. They were still trying to determine early Monday what led to the violence, Farrell said.

Now my dream wasn't that exactly. But I have no idea who I was in the dream, sometimes it was like I was looking through his eyes, other times it was like I was myself standing beside him. Something bad happened, and he was convicted, and was going to jail...in a limo. But there was all these numbers that kept repeating themselves...

Oh well, just thought it was weird that I drempt about him, never really listen to him, and then he is in the news 24 hours later.

I have no idea what is wrong with me. Some days I feel on top of the world, then all of a sudden, within seconds I feel terrible.

I just want it to stop. I know that it is pregnancy hormones or whatever.

Today I woke up at 4:30, without being sick, and just felt good. Got most of my stuff done before I even got Ryan up for school. Did the rest of laundry, started cleaning the kitchen, since I am going to GA later this week. I like things to be clean for when I come home. Then I sat down to eat lunch and play a little of Ryans new video game, so I could unlock some things for him, and all of a sudden...I just felt this awful feeling. I have no idea why...it just happens, and I am so so sick of it.

Of course, I'll feel better as soon as it passes, but goodness, this never happened when I was pregnant with Ryan.

You Are a Classic Martini

You area sophisticated drinker, who knows that simple quality is over-rated. You're a knowledgeable drunk, but sometimes you're a know-it-all when you're blasted. You should never: Drink and gossip. You tend to forget who's standing right behind you! Your ideal party: Has a real bartender. But no one mixes a better drink than you. Your drinking soulmates: those with a Chocolate Martini personality Your drinking rivals: those with a Margarita Martini personality

Four jobs I've had:
1. Bartender
2. Data Conversion Operator US Postal Service, I understand why some go postal
3. Insurance agent AD/D, Life, Accident, Never took my P and C test
4. Supervisor with Credit Card company

Four movies I can watch over and over:
1. Love Song for Bobby Long
2. Thirteen Ghosts
3. 50 First Dates
4. Beauty and the Beast

Four Places I have lived:
1. Deerborn, MI
2. Massillion, OH
3. Morgantown, WV
4. Pigeon Forge, TN

Four TV shows I love:
1. Lost
2. Prison Break
3. Survivor
4. Big Brother...because of the WebCast

Four highly-touted TV shows I detest: (detest is way too strong a word)
1. Jerry Springer
2. Late Night Shows
3. Kirk Camerons Church TV
4. Most stuff on MTV

Four books I'd recommend to anyone, anytime:
1. A walk to Remember, Nicholas Sparks
2. The Hidden world of Birthdays
3. Forrest Gump
4. Green River, Running Red

Four places I have vacationed: I have been to almost all the different Gambeling places, as my dad has a problem...

1. Las Vegas, NV
2. Tunica, Mississippi
3. Sioux Falls, SD
4. Panama Beach, FL

Four of my favorite dishes:
1. The Veggies and Chicken without the Fajitas at my local Mexican place.
2. My homemade Pizza
3. Sesame Chicken
4. Prime Rib from SageBrush

Four sites I visit daily:
1. Netscape (news)
2. RTVW
3. http://www.clipdump.com/, and not for just the dirty ones
4. Davids Bridal

Four places I would rather be right now:
1. My babys house
2. On a cruise
3. In bed, at my babys
4. Somewhere were laundry, cleaning the house, folding clothes, and doing homework was not an option

And I'm tagging:
Not sure who hasn't been tagged yet; Coco, Momma, DooWah, Luna

I just thought, how appropriate that name is to describe such a remarkable woman. There are a few things I want to say and do, but I am going to split them up...

Today just a little history...April 27, 1927 - Jan. 30, 2006 Human Rights Advocate


"As a young child, King walked five miles each day to attend the one-room Crossroads School. When she was older, she studied at Lincoln High School in Marion, nine miles away. Since this was too far to walk, her mother hired a bus and drove all the black students in the area to and from school - a most unusual course of action for a black woman in the 1930s. The alternative would have been for the children to stay in Marion all week, returning home only at weekends, but Mrs. Scott did not want her children to be away from home so much.
King inherited a love of music from her mother, and at Lincoln High School she learned to play the trumpet and piano, and sang as a soloist at school recitals. An intelligent and hardworking student, she did well in her schoolwork too and was at the top of her class when she graduated in 1945. She then enrolled at Antioch College, Ohio, where her sister Edythe had been the first fulltime black student to live on campus.

At Antioch College, King majored in music and education. She also took part in the college's work-study program, acting as a camp counsellor, library assistant, and nursery school attendant. The fact that she was African American was not a barrier in any of these roles, but when she began to teach as part of her education course, she suddenly found her way blocked. Ordinarily, the education students did their practice teaching in the local public schools, but these schools had no black teachers and would not accept her. Her protests fell on deaf ears, even when she appealed to the college president, and in the end she had to do her teaching at the Antioch Demonstration School."

"During this time, King was also a music student, learning the violin as well as studying singing and piano. She sang in the choir at the Second Baptist Church in Springfield, Ohio, and gave her first solo concert there in 1948. By the time she graduated in 1951, she had decided to become a professional singer rather than a schoolteacher and had been accepted by the New England Conservatory of Music in Boston.
Although King had a scholarship to cover her tuition at the conservatory, it did not pay for anything else, and she barely scraped by during her first year in Boston. To pay for her bed and breakfast, she cleaned the stairwells of the house she lived in, and for supper she usually made do with peanut butter and crackers. The following year was easier, because she received state aid from Alabama, but she still had to watch every penny.
While studying at the conservatory she met Martin Luther King Jr., who was also a student in Boston at the time, and they were married in 1953. The following year, after Coretta Scott King had graduated from the conservatory, they moved to Montgomery, Alabama, where Martin Luther King, Jr. began his work as a minister.
In marrying a man committed to civil rights, King knew that she would not live the life of a quiet minister's wife. Their first child, Yolanda (Yoki), was born in 1955, just two weeks before the beginning of the Montgomery bus boycott. With the boycott came danger - the King house was bombed in 1956 -and from then on King had to be constantly alert on behalf of her children as well as her husband. The Kings were to have three more children: Martin Luther III, Dexter, and Bernice.

The next few years saw Coretta King sharing as full partner in her husband's work, walking beside him in marches, travelling abroad with him, and giving speeches when he was unable to do so. She also made her own personal contribution. On behalf of the Women's Strike for Peace, she was a delegate at the Disarmament Conference in Geneva in 1962, and she often gave concerts on behalf of the civil rights movement, for she was still keeping up with her music.
When her husband was assassinated in Memphis, Tennessee, in 1968, Coretta King took it for granted that she would continue his work. Just four days after his death she led a march of fifty thousand people through the streets of Memphis, and later that year she took his place in the Poor People's March to Washington."

First I want to discuss things that have been happening in the coal industry here. First there was the 12 miners who passed due to an accident. They say it was from lightening, but nothing concrete has been said yet. The we had two more miners pass due to a fire. A fire that could have been prevented, which I'll talk about next. And then we have two more pass, at least one of those could have been prevented, or at least one was not the mines fault.

The second set of passings could have been prevented. Here is why. The fire was caused by build up of flammable coal dust on a conveyor belt. There is a worker, called a belt man to some, who is responsible for his portion of cleaning and removing the coal dust, to keep it from being built up. This person did not do their job. The dust build up, friction from the belt, gases that are naturally in the air, and poof there is a fire.

Then we have the other two deaths, the first one a wall support popped loose. I will give this to possibly the mine owners fault. But the state is at fault too. I will discuss that next. The second could have been prevented or was not the mine companies fault because the bulldozer struck a gas line. There should have been clear markings, but still I see that as a total accident.

Now...why do I feel that some of the state needs to take more responsibility, well...For years they have let mines run that were unsafe. Knowingly unsafe. Mines open around me all the time that have been closed for up to 20 years. They rarely force mine companies to pay their fines. Not talking about fines for a second, but they are hardly ever held accountable. If the mining industry in WV would just pay their unemployment payments that they are supposed to pay, I honestly think our state would have a nice surplus. We are talking millions of dollars that go unpaid every year. Well maybe that number is high, but I doubt it. Now...you know what they are doing...
The Gov. of this great state has called a halt to all mining operations until they can inspect all the mines in the state. Surface and underground that comes out to roughly 540 mines. During the time of the closing the miners will more than likely not get paid. To me that is simply not fair. It is not the miners fault that the state has never really enforced the safety needs. But they will be the ones punished. The mining industry is the heart of my states economy. We are already one of the poorest states, but really, 8 out of every 10 males I know work or have worked in the mines in some way shape or form. You know what some of the new safety standards they want to impose are...no? Well I'll tell ya...
Actually I am only gonna tell ya one...the oxygen tanks. Underground. Where there is constant explosive gas. Anyone else think this is a bad bad idea?


Okay on to sadness...I meant to post this yesterday, but really could not even put together what I wanted to say. I still do not know what it is

We lost a great woman yesterday. Coretta Scott King was not just a great woman, but someone who was remarkable in so many ways. I have looked up to her and seen her as an inspiration since I was in the 5th grade. There has never been a celebrity whose death has touched me as much as this one did. Yes I may be pregnant, but I think I would have cried had I not been. I think the next few posts will be something commemorating her. I know I am only one blog. One blogger. But I cannot just let it go and not do something.

Okay that is it for today. My baby is in the Dominican, and I miss him so. We did not get to chat online last night, because I fell asleep. Because he cannot call from there, we have been using the yahoo pc to pc calling, but it will never connect, so we leave messages. It is wonderful to wake up and hear his voice from so far away.

*smooches* everyone