The PJ's You Are Most Like: Sexy PJ's

You're a hot girl, and you don't let anyone forget it - even yourself You have an understated, easy sexyness that men love Relax a little - you look great even when you're not wearing lipstick!

Yesterday I had my first prenatal appt. Am I the only woman who absolutely hates going to the ob/gyn? My appt. was at an office where I have never been, but had heard great things about, the only problem is that they like to rotate their Dr.s and mid-wives, and the one who delivered Ryan is there now.

I had to explain to the nurse that there was no way that woman was ever touching me again. I knew before I went into labor with Ryan that I had to have a C-section. I had moved back home in the middle of my pregnancy, and she was the one that my step mother recommended. She looked at my file from my previous Dr. and told me that he was wrong, that I would probably not have to have a section, and we would wait and see. I went into labor early, had the drip and pretty much laid there for 9.5 hours with nothing. You cannot have drugs unless you are dilated or effaced and I was neither. She finally did an emergency section because Ryan went into respiratory distress.

So yesterday I explain, and then the mid-wife comes in and does the exam, looks at my chart and asks why the section was not scheduled last time, why I was in labor for several hours before, and I told her what the other Dr. had said. She said bull-hockey...I laughed. She told me that I have to have a section, I would never be able to have a baby naturally. Maybe the Dr. I get next when I move will decide differently.

The Mid-wife that I saw yesterday was awesome. She was nice, funny, and made me comfortable enough to where the exam did not seem to last more than a few minutes. I seen something there that I have never seen before in an ob office...they have heating lamps over the table, so you don't get cold. Isn't that nice. We discussed the fact that I did not want to see that other Dr. no way no how. She worked around the rules and I will rotate between her and a regular Dr., because of the section.

Because I had Gestational Diabetes and Ryan came early, they are going to be doing an ultrasound every other visit, to keep an eye on the baby. She sent me for lab work, and added that my sugar be tested. She gave me the diet to go by, so I can get used to it before I need to. There was one other issue when I was pregnant with Ryan. I did not gain any weight. I lost weight. I started my pregnancy 3 sizes bigger than what I came out of it. I eat stuff that is good for me anyway, I just have to monitor it, and add more meals, snacks during the day.

My Blood Pressure was great, the baby is great and I am officially 11 weeks!!!! My late night sickness has pretty much stopped, but I still wake up around 3 am, no matter how late or early I go to bed.

I am looking at bedding and all that fun baby stuff on a daily basis, and just getting excited. Next month maybe he will be able to come up for the appt. and hear the heartbeat and see the ultrasound. It would be so wonderful to share it with him.

We have pretty much decided on a boys name. For a girl, I am looking at names that are not too too popular, but a little different. I am not a Julie, Amanda, Jennifer kinda gal. I like names like Reese, Reagon, Taylor. When I was pregnant with Ryan, before I found out it was a boy, I had the name Madison Lynee picked out. Ryan is Ryan Khalid. I like the out of ordinary names for at least middle names. Ryan likes the name Rose and he likes the name Renee. My middle name is Renee, and one of his close friends wives name is Renee, so I don't know. Maybe...

So all is well on this side of the spectrum.

Oh yeah...my dad told me yesterday that he hoped I have a 14 lb baby, so I can suffer for the hell I put him through as a teenager/young adult. I laughed and said dad, it's been a long time since any one has really thought that childbirth is a point of suffering for a woman. It is the most beautiful experience, and I as a woman am proud to be able to do.

According to studies, the first letter of your first name reveals your sexual identity.

A - You are not particularly romantic, but you are interested in action. You mean business. With you, what you see is what you get. You have no patience for flirting and can't be bothered with someone who is trying to be coy, cute, demure, and subtly enticing. You are an up front person. When it comes to sex, it's action that counts not obscure hints. Your mate's physical attractiveness is important to you. You find the chase and challenge of the "hunt" invigorating. You are passionate and sexual as well as being much more adventurous than you appear; however, you do not go around advertising these qualities. Your physical needs are your primary concern.

B - You give off vibes of lazy sensuality. You enjoy being romanced, wined, and dined. You are very happy to receive gifts as an expression of the affection of your lover. You want to be pampered and know how to pamper your mate. You are private in your expression of endearments and particularly when it comes to lovemaking. You will hold off until everything meets with your approval. You can control your appetite and abstain from sex if need be. You require new sensations and experiences. You are willing to experiment.

C - You are a very social individual, and it is important to you to have a relationship. You require closeness and togetherness. You must be able to talk to your sex partner before, during, and after. You want the object of your affection to be socially acceptable and good looking. You see your lover as a friend and companion. You are very sexual and sensual, needing someone to appreciate and almost worship you. When this cannot be achieved, you have the ability to go for long periods without sexual activity. You are an expert at controlling your desires and doing without.

D - Once you get it into your head that you want someone, you move full steam ahead in pursuit. You do not give up your quest easily. You are nurturing and caring. If someone has a problem, this turns you on. You are highly sexual, passionate, loyal, and intense in your involvement, sometimes possessive and jealous. Sex to you is a pleasure to be enjoyed. You are stimulated by the eccentric and unusual, having a free and open.

E - Your greatest need is to talk. If your date is not a good listener, you have trouble relating. A person must be intellectually stimulating or you are not interested sexually. You need a friend for a lover and a companion for a bedmate. You hate disharmony and disruption, but you do enjoy a good argument once in a while it seems to stir things up. You flirt a lot, for the challenge is more important than the sexual act for you, but once you give your heart away, you are uncompromisingly loyal. When you don't have a good lover to fall asleep with, you will fall asleep with a good book. Sometimes, in fact, you prefer a good book.

F - You are idealistic and romantic, putting your lover on a pedestal. You look for the very best mate you can find. You are a flirt, yet once committed, you are very loyal. You are sensuous, sexual, and privately passionate. Publicly, you can be showy, extravagant, and gallant. You are born romantic. Dramatic love scenes are your favorite fantasy pastime. You can be a very generous lover.

G - You are fastidious, seeking perfection within yourself and your lover. You respond to a lover who is your intellectual equal or superior, and one who can enhance your status. You are sensuous and know how to reach the peak of erotic stimulation, because you work at it meticulously. You can be extremely active sexually that is, when you find the time. Your duties and responsibilities take precedence over everything else. You may have difficulty getting emotionally close to a lover, but no trouble getting close sexually.

H - You seek a mate who can enhance your reputation and earning ability. You will be very generous to your lover once you have attained a commitment. Your gifts are actually an investment in your partner. Before the commitment, though, you tend to be frugal in your spending and dating habits and equally cautious in your sexual involvement. You are a sensual and patient lover.

I - You have a great need to be loved, appreciated... even worshipped. You enjoy luxury, sensuality, and pleasures of the flesh. You look for lovers who know what they are doing. You are not interested in an amateur, unless that amateur wants a tutor. You are fussy and exacting about having your desires satisfied. You are willing to experiment and try new modes of sexual expression. You bore easily and thus require sexual adventure and change. You are more sensual than sexual, but you are sometimes downright lustful.

J - You are totally marvellous! You like to talk and experiment with new things. You love it when people admire you or look at you. You can be very selfish and only think about what is best for you, but you have an inner sense of what is right. Inside you have a big heart and really do care even though sometimes you do not always show it. You love to dabble with all kinds of sex and your partner needs to be prepared for some illicit fantasies otherwise you will tire of them too quickly.

K - You can be very romantic, attached to the glamour of love. Having a partner is of paramount importance to you. You are free in your expression of love and are willing to take chances, try new sexual experiences and partners, provided it's all in good taste. Brains turn you on. You must feel that your partner is intellectually stimulating, otherwise you will find it difficult to sustain the relationship. You require loving, cuddling, wining, and dining to know that you're being appreciated.

L - You are very romantic, idealistic, and somehow you believe that to love means to suffer. You wind up serving your mate or attracting people who have unusual troubles. You see yourself as your lover's savior. You are sincere, passionate, lustful, and dreamy. You can't help falling in love. You really enjoy stimulating yourself, though you are fairly new to it. You fantasize and get turned on by movies and magazines. You do not tell others of this secret life, nor of your sexual fantasies.

M - You are emotional and intense. When involved in a relationship, you throw your entire being into it. Nothing stops you; there are no holds barred. You are all consuming and crave someone who is equally passionate and intense. You believe in total sexual freedom. You are willing to try anything and everything. Your supply of sexual energy is inexhaustible. You also enjoy mothering your mate.

N - You need constant stimulation because you bore quickly. You can handle more than one relationship at a time with ease. You believe in total sexual freedom. You are willing to try anything and everything. Your supply of sexual energy is inexhaustible. You are a flirt, yet once committed, you are very loyal. You are sensuous, sexual, and privately passionate. Publicly, you can be showy, extravagant, and gallant. You are a born romantic. Dramatic love scenes are your favourite fantasy pastime. You can be a very generous lover.

O - You are very interested in sexual activities yet secretive and shy about your desires. You can re-channel much of your sexual energy into making money and/or seeking power. You can easily have extended periods of celibacy. You are a passionate, compassionate, sexual lover, requiring the same qualities from your mate. Sex is serious business; thus you demand intensity and diversity, and are willing to try anything or anyone. Sometimes your passions turn to possessiveness, which must be kept in check.

P - You are very conscious of social proprieties. You wouldn't think of doing anything that might harm your image or reputation. Appearances count, therefore, you require a good-looking partner. You also require an intelligent partner. Oddly enough, you may view your partner as your enemy; A good fight stimulates those sex vibes. You are relatively free of sexual hang-ups. You are willing to experiment and try new ways of doing things. You are very social and sensual; you enjoy flirting and need a good deal of physical gratification.

Q - You require constant activity and stimulation. You have tremendous physical energy. It is not easy for a partner to keep up with you, sexually or otherwise. You are an enthusiastic lover and tend to be attracted to people of other ethnic groups. You need romance, hearts and flowers, and lots of conversation to turn you on and keep you going.

R - You are a no-nonsense, action-oriented individual. You need someone who can keep pace with you and who is your intellectual equal the smarter the better. You are turned on more quickly by a great mind than by a great body. However, physical attractiveness is very important to you. You have to be proud of your partner. You are privately very sexy, but you do not brag, you are willing to serve as teacher. Sex is important; you can be a very demanding playmate.

S - You are secretive, self-contained, and shy. You are very sexy, sensual, and passionate, but you do not let on to this. Only in intimate privacy will this part of your nature reveal itself. When it gets down to the nitty-gritty, you are an expert. You know all the little tricks of the trade, can play any role or any game, and take your love life very seriously. You don't fool around. You have the patience to wait for the right person to come along.

T - You are very sensitive, private, and sexually passive; you like a partner who takes the lead. Music, soft lights and romantic thoughts turn you on. You fantasize, but do not tend to fall in and out of love easily. When in love, you are romantic, idealistic, mushy, and extremely intense. You enjoy having your senses and your feelings stimulated, titillated, and teased. You are a great flirt. You can make your relationships fit your dreams, oftentimes all in your own head.

U - You are enthusiastic and idealistic when in love. When not in love, you are in love with love, always looking for someone to adore. You see romance as a challenge. You are a roamer and need adventure, excitement, and freedom. You deal in potential relationships. You enjoy giving gifts and enjoy seeing your mate looking good. Your sex drive is strong and you desire instant ratification. You are willing to put your partner's pleasures above your own.

V - You are individualistic, and you need freedom, space, and excitement. You wait until you know someone well before committing yourself. Knowing someone means psycho-ing him out. You feel a need to get into his head to see what makes him tick. You are attracted to eccentric types. Often there is an age difference between you and your lover. You respond to danger, thrills, and suspense. The gay scene turns you on, even though you yourself may not be a participant.

W - You are very proud, determined, and you refuse to take no for an answer when pursuing love. Your ego is at stake. You are romantic, idealistic, and often in love with love itself, not seeing your partner as he or she really is. You feel deeply and throw all of yourself into your relationships. Nothing is too good for your lover. You enjoy playing love games.

X - You need constant stimulation because you bore quickly. You can handle more than one relationship at a time with ease. You can't shut off your mind. You talk while you make love. You can have the greatest love affairs, all by yourself, in your own head.

Y - You are sexual, sensual, and very independent. If you can't have it your way, you will forgo the whole thing. You want to control your relationships, which doesn't always work out too well. You respond to physical stimulation, enjoy necking and spending hours just touching, feeling and exploring. However, if you can spend your time making money, you will give up the pleasures of the flesh for the moment. You need to prove to yourself and your partner what great lover you are. You want feedback on your performance. You are an open, stimulating, romantic bedmate.

Z - For you, it is business before pleasure. If you are in any way bothered by career, business, or money concerns, you find it very hard to relax and get into the mood. You can be romantically idealistic to a fault and are capable of much sensuality. But you never lose control of your emotions. You are very careful and cautious before you give your heart away and your body, for that matter. Once you make the commitment, though, you stick like glue.

I have a friend that I do not talk to that often, but we are still relatively close. She sent me an email earlier today asking for a little advice.

I used to work with her before we were all laid off, her boyfriend/fiance was my account manager. So I know both of them pretty well.

Before he started seeing K. he was seeing a J. but they were really just great friends who fucked.

In K.'s email she seems very upset because she has caught him J. twice now. Once about a month ago and she asked him to promise her it was not going to happen again. She loves him, and she moved to another state with him, so really she is alone without any type of family support.

So she asked what would I have done. I sent a reply back without having to even think about it telling her to pack her shit and come the hell home. Shit she can stay here for a few days, it's not like I have never opened my home up to anyone before. She forgave him once, she should not have to again. Not if the relationship really means anything to him. She sent an email back telling me she was not sure if she was ready to end it yet, because she does love him, and knows he loves her. My reply...while he may love you ask yourself if he respects you. If you forgave him once, and asked that he not do it anymore, and made the boundaries clear, (they have a semi-open relationship, can only play if the other is present) and he did it to you again knowing how you felt, and how it would hurt, then move on. It is not worth it. I am waiting to hear back from her.

So my question is...what type of advice would you have given? Because I feel like I should email her back and tell her that she should simply do whatever makes her happy. And I am sorry for being rash...

So what would you do?

I think I need a break. Maybe a few days, who knows.

I'll be back soon.

Smooches and smooshes.

Just some random things...

Have you seen Francis Bean Cobain? Maybe not, but as a Nirvana lover, I have always been intrigued by the girl she was and now the teen she is becoming. Having parents such as Courtney Love and Kurt Cobain has to be hard, but it seems as though she is pulling through with a little bit of grace and a classic feminine style. To me it is almost eerie looking at her, because I see so much of Kurt Cobain in her features.




Next Topic:
Being pregnant has also made me afraid to eat. I get sick almost every time I do, and really I am just sick of it. And no matter if I am sick or not during the day, my body is waking me up at 3 am to be sick. Then I am up until at least 5. So needless to say, I have been just dragging.

Another Pregnancy thing:
Food. The only things I craved when I was pregnant with Ryan was oatmeal and apple juice. I could not get enough apple juice. Last night though, I almost succumbed to pregnant eating. You know like pickles and ice cream. Well, I had the bright idea to make tuna salad and dip corn chips in it. Glad I decided against the chips though, because once I really started to think about it, it made me a little ill.

News issue:
Did you hear about those teens in SC who on their way to a drag strip saw a black teen walking down the road and decided that he could be their punching bag. They beat him up and I read something about them trying to lynch him. The teens got six years in prison, but it was not tried as a hate crime. I know several peeps do not see the significance with hate crimes, but the only reason he was beaten was because he was black.

Another News Issue:
A man here got convicted and sentenced to 300 years in jail for child rape/molestation. I don't know all the details, but I do know he is not eligible for parole till he has served around 120 years. Now what is up with that judge in Vermont who only sentenced that molester to 60 days?

Last thought:
I have a feeling the US will be at war with Iran before the year is out. The EU was handling the Iran nuclear issue, and we just had to stick our nose in it. No wonder the rest of the world hates us right now. We are stretched thin. There is not room for us to invade Iran. Maybe that is what Bush is doing with reducing the number of troops in Iraq, so he has enough to fight Iran?

Okay, where he left off we had broken up. I was devastated. And while I will say he did fuck up, I did too. He trusted me with something, and in my pain and need for knowing, I did something he asked me not to do.

For those of you who have access to my other blog, you have read this story, but probably did not know you were. We both did some rash things. He deleted blogs, I made a whole new one.

But away from that. I am going to give ya just a little more history on me. Maybe it will help you understand a little more, maybe not, but it is part of the story.

So as I have said that Ryans dad and I spilt on very very bad terms. What you don't know though is that I loved that man. I loved him with every fiber of my being. We were high school sweethearts. He was the jock, but the bad boy jock. He played football, soccer, and was really the all American boy next door. Other than the fact that he did lots of drugs and drank a lot. But what people don't know doesn’t effect what they perceive as being reality. My dad though, saw right through him. He told me from the beginning that he was not good for me, and that I needed someone, something else. I did not listen. So we were together, and while I was not the most popular girl in school, I was pretty popular. I had lots of friends, but noone could understand what he was doing with me. He got questioned on it all the time. As I was not the most popular, I also was not the prettiest. He was hot. Blonde hair, blue eyes, 6'2" and a body that was just so freaking hot, and the sex, OMG. Really that is what kept me with him for those 5.5 years.

So here I was in love with this guy. He loved me too, I know that. There is not a doubt in my mind. But a person can only take so much pulling from all sides, and if anyone was getting pulled he was. Seriously. The first time I met his parents, we were sitting in his family room. Me, him, Amy and Kevin. We were watching a movie when he dad came in from work. His dad looked at me and Chris on the couch and asked him to come into the other room. While in there we could hear his dad yelling at him about what that fat whore was doing in there. That they wanted me out immediately. Needless to say, we left. Now, I have always had a weight problem, and that was just a year after I stopped playing basketball and volleyball, so while I was not tiny, I was not fat. I am now, but that is a whole different story.

There were many many nights that Chris would call, because him and his dad were fighting. And when I say fighting, I mean out in the yard fist to fist. His parents hated me with a single glance and they were sure to make sure he knew that.

Chris and I also had an open relationship, because we were both bi. It worked fine until we left here. I am fast forwarding the story past my years at WVU because there is so much to tell. We ended up in TN. We stayed with a friend until we realized she was nuts. We ended up living in a tent for three months. Not because of lack of money, but because of lack of responsibility.

I remember the first time he hit me. I also remember the last. It's the in between that I have problems remembering. When I say it was bad, it was. It did not just leave scars on my heart, but my body bears what I went through. But I loved him, and I was not going to leave him. Then I became pregnant. That was the single worse day in my life. I realized that while I loved him, I did not like him. There is a huge difference. He actually told me that if I would get an abortion he would marry me. I responded with an absolute no. Later that evening he came to the hotel I was staying at, got down on one knee and proposed. That was an absolute no too. Although I lived through hell with him, there was no way I was going to put a child in that mess. NO FREAKING WAY.

So to close up that part, I still hurt over what happened in those years. I always will. It is not a pain that just disappears. It is always there. The scars that I have embarrass me and remind me of what I have been through. But it is the scars on my heart that really have done damage to those I love the most.

With that I will get back to us. I loved him, there was not a doubt that I did. But with what happened to make us breakup, I really did not know if I had it in me to deal with stuff. I was mad, I was hurt, I was broken.

I was also a bitch. He mentioned that when I get mad, watch out. I want to expand on that, when I get hurt, I will hurt you. I won't mean too, but I will. I will push and push, without even realizing what it is that I am doing. And in a sense I did that with S. I pushed with my words. With my irrationality. I pushed until we both questioned if it was worth it.

But still in my heart I knew it was. I knew that I loved him. And not the love that I had with Chris. I loved this man. I loved him for everything he was, nothing hidden. But I also took a lot of my past pain out on him when he did hurt me, and for that I will always be sorry. But there was also a part of me that kept saying that he expected to fail, and really I was not about to allow that to happen. His past relationships did not define him, and I was not going to just let him throw in the towel because he thought it was inevitable that he would fuck up. I had faith in the person he was, as well in what I knew we had when we were together.

So, he took us up to that third meeting and a little beyond. I will not elaborate on what it was that happened, because like he said that is something that needs to remain in the past. I do know however, I for one was not ready to give up. We were planning for him to come on Bridge day. I so wanted him to be here, because that was something that we had talked about from the beginning. We had already planned on him coming, and frankly I did not see why he shouldn't because we were still friends. I had no idea that he had though about marriage seriously before this. But I will say back when this all started we did talk about kids and I told him that if he wanted them he needed to get my pregnant by Nov. Because if I was going to push out another baby, I wanted it here before I turned 30.

The weekend came and he was on his way. Still to this day, when I know I am going to see him, I get butterflies in my belly. But this meeting was not going to be like the ones before. I knew that. We were going to be spending the weekend together as friends.

Without giving too much info, sex in public is a wonderful thing. Sex somewhere dirty, like an adult movie store, in a booth, where other people can and will hear you, is something completely exhilarating. *grin*

We went to a gay club here in the area, and while it was dead because it was early, we had some time to kill before doing that thing I said up there.

Sometime on Friday, or even early Saturday, I was against the wall, and he was in front of me. I asked him if I got pregnant would he marry me he said that he would not need that reason to marry me. That was clue number one that we were headed to being back together, but really I had no idea what he was thinking.

We went to bridge day, and had a lot of fun. We came home and had another couple over for a few hours. They are also like we are in regards to their relationship, and she, well she is just as cute as can be. *wink*

Later that night, I was in here on the computer, and he came in here. That is when he said it. Now you may not know, but his proposal was something more of telling me. He looked at me and said, I think one day next year I am going to have to marry you. Then he waited for a response. I asked if he was asking me or telling me.

So there it was. He proposed in the only way that would be befitting to this relationship. And of course I said yes. YES YES YES. I felt safe with him. And while we had had problems, I knew that as long as we kept that initial friendship going, we could overcome anything.

So the next few weeks were filled with me dreading telling my dad. As many of you know. However you may not know what triggered it in me to finally tell him.

I took Ryan to see his dad. One, because Ryan asked to go, and Two because his dad promised things were different. That he wanted to see his son. He said we could stay there and he would provide food and such. I did not have that much money, so Ryan had to make a choice between his birthday party and seeing his dad. He choose his dad.

Long story short. No food. Well nothing more than a few eggs and some chicken nuggets. I hurt my arm on the way there, and when I got there realized I had left our bag with our underthings and pj's and stuff at home. Frankly I was not wanting to walk around this mans house without that stuff, so I took what little money I had, and I got us some things. But then there was the problem with needing food. My kid was not going to stay anywhere without stuff for decent meals. I broke down and did something that I never thought I would do. I called S. Through my tears I told him a little about what was going on and asked him to send me a little bit of money to make sure I could get us home.

Long story short, the last night we were there (because after this, we left. A day early), Chris came back drunk and belligerent. It was back to old times. And while he was not mean or aggressive to me, Ryan has never been around anyone like that, and I was not about to let the first one be his dad. I was so mad at him. I pretty much threw him out of his own apt. till I could get Ryan up and dressed and our stuff together. Ryan woke up in the middle, and while I did not think he remembered because he fell right back to sleep, a few weeks later he told me that he knew his dad was drunk.

So I left, and I called S. at 4 in the morning to tell him that I had left. I was so tired. I did not have any sleep, my arm was killing me and I knew that this was the end of Chris for a very long time. I also knew that I had to tell my dad. I mean why pussyfoot around with this asshole who is simply a sperm donor when I had this wonderful person right there. There was no reason for me to be ashamed, and I wasn't, there was simply no reason to hide him from my parents.

So I told my dad, and while at first it was a little rocky, he is taking things pretty good. I even think I have him convinced to walk me down the aisle.

Me and S spent several weeks together since then. We spent thanksgiving together. Going from my family to his. It was perfect. It fit. I know that this is right in my heart, and there is simply no denying the love that we feel. We have went to NC for the birth of my godson. My best friend just loves him, and they would love to see us move there, but I don't see that anytime in the near future.

Then came the time for my period. And it did not come. Okay, so I was going to be late, no biggie. Then I got sick one night. Stomach flu, right? Then the next night I got sick again, and the next night, once again. I remembered from days of having Ryan in my belly that morning sickness came in the eve for me. I had not mentioned to him that I was sick, nor did I mention that I thought I was pregnant. He knew I was late, but no big deal, we did not think his swimmers could swim anyway.

Well, I made a trip to Wal-Mart, came home and took the little test that I bought. IT was positive before the control line even popped up. I stated crying. Not because I was sad, but because of past fears resurfacing. I did not want to raise a child alone. I knew that I would not have to again, but old habits die hard. I did not call him, I waited till he called me. At first I did not even know if I was going to tell him. As soon as I heard his voice though, I said I have to tell you something. Then I started crying, and really I think it took about five minutes to even get it out.

He was happy, and I was in disbelief. Two days later I drove down to spend Christmas with him. We discussed the babies room, and about getting a new car. We spent the week together, and it was just wonderful once again.

So that pretty much brings us to today. I am currently 8 weeks. I am so happy and excited and scared that I could just burst. And I am also raging with pregnancy hormones. Take pity on him, because I have just not been a nice person. I say things, and then I feel so ashamed.

Here we are. The wedding was moved from July 1st, to May 5th or 6th depending. We have a baby growing. Ryan is so happy to be finally getting a family that is not broken, the words of a seven year old. Although he has told me that he cannot and will not be a big brother to a sister. LOL.

Stay tuned as our journey together unfolds. It is one that while wonderful and sweet and loving, will undoubtedly have its problems, but things that are worth it are never really easy to begin with.

No question though, I love this man, and am completely ready to spend my life with him.

After he left on Sunday, I knew that we would see each other again. In recent months he has asked when did I know, and while I am not sure of the exact time or whatever, I thinkI knew that Sunday as we were walking around the Tamarack. Watching him with my kid, seeing how they looked, he just fit. Do you know what I mean? When something fits just right? That is what he did in those final hours of our first meeting. While we were still just friends at this point, watching him with Ryan did something to my heart.

Now a little background on me. Since Ryans dad and I had broken up, I did not date that much. I took care of other needs with friends that I knew would never ask for too much, because really Ryans dad did a number on me. The things that happened in that volatile and abusive relationship were things that should happen to no person. There are times when the nightmares still wake me. For four years after I left him and moved back here, all I did was raise my son. I did not do anything else. I did not go out with friends, I did not see anyone, I did not have sex. I was mom. Supermom if you will. I worked 50-60 hour shifts and took care of my son, there simply was not time for anything else. Nor was a quick to make time for anything. Then one day my parents took Ryan away with them for the weekend, and I, had no idea what to do. For three days I got to be me, and I had no idea who that was anymore. That weekend I decided no more supermom. I was going to figure out what I liked, what I needed, because it is awful when you wake up one day and realize you no longer have an identity that really defines you. I began rebuilding past friendships, and making a few new ones, and I began dating again. I honestly can count the number of friends I have on one hand. Friends to me are the people that I trust implicitly. The others that I associate with are acquaintances. Then I have my online persona, which is hugely different, because I am not that scared little girl online. I can talk and chat, and just be myself. The real me. I have always been a pretty confident and strong person, but it took that weekend for me to remember why.

So fast forward to us. Here was this guy whom I mostly knew online, and I could not wait to see him again. While he was here we talked about me coming to Atlanta or meeting in Charlotte and going to Carowinds. It was inevitable that we would see each other again.

About two weeks after he left, we were talking on the phone as usual, but the conversation took a bit of a different turn. We began talking about how we were feeling and how crazy it was that we were liking each other. By the end of June and beginning of July, those feelings had intensified. We were best friends, but there was something more starting to build. I knew he was not looking for a relationship, and frankly neither was I. We had discussed open relationships, and that lead to one late night on the phone with the words I think I want to try this with you. And me agreeing. I mean we lived states apart. We both had the same feelings about sex and love, and really when you are in such a long distance relationship, do you really think the other one is going to be faithful? And I am bi-sexual. I cannot just turn that off, and if I want to be with a woman, I am going to be with one. Now many may not agree with it, but it was what would work for us. We knew we wanted to be together, but we also knew we wanted a level of freedom too. That is not saying we could just fuck whomever we wanted. We often talked about it before one of us did anything, and usually if I was uncomfortable with something he was going to do, he did not do it. I say usually, but you will find that out in the next chapter.

So we began this relationship thing. And I will say right here, that I think we both have grown since those first days. We have both learned, and taught.

There are times when he just takes my breath away. Little things just sweep me off of my feet. We were planning the trip to Carowinds, and one night when he called we talked late into the night again. That night was the night that I think I completely feel in love with him.

We had talked during the day about the fact that we were starting to feel more for each other. Actually we would say blank instead of love. Then there was the night that he just swept me off of my feet. As we talked, he began talking about music, about songs that he liked, then he began to sing. He serenaded me into the early morning hours. Some songs I had never heard before and other I was familiar with. I think that night was the night that I first said it aloud. I was wrapped in the sounds of his rich, warm voice. Everything in me just was melting into my bed as I listened. And as I was falling asleep right before we hung up I said it. I told him that I was falling in love with him. He said he felt the same too. That night, I slept better than I have in years. I was cuddled all night by the sound of his voice.

The next day though I woke up panicked. I could not believe that I had told him that. That I had said it. It was almost as if it was a dream. So as we talked that morning on the computer I asked him if I did say it, and he said yes. By this time we were still like two kids afraid to really say it out loud and the messages were kinda like "Did I tell you that I blank you last night?" LOL. I think we were both a little scared. I know I for one was completely new to this whole internet dating thing. I had talked for several years to friends but never had I moved it more than that.

At the end of July we met in Charlotte for a weekend at Carowinds. What we originally booked was not what we got. The room we wanted was a two bedroom suite, with doors that shut of the bedrooms. The hotel was overbooked, but we still got a room that had one full bedroom with a door, and a bed in the living room. From the moment he walked into the hotel room I knew that the intenseness that I felt was still there. Once again we could not keep our hands to our selves. The weekend was just wonderful. Him Ryan and I had a blast. Once again, I watched him with my son, and saw how he fit. I questioned myself how someone that I had only seen physically twice could ever make me feel this way. I also knew that whatever happened in those coming months, we would always remain friends.

I am going to end this already long part on that note. The fact that we were such close friends. The fact that we knew that we loved each other. The fact that while we had only seen each other twice, what was inside was unmistakable. I said in a comment that I think I knew him at that first meeting better than I have ever known anyone in my life. That still stands true. We may not have spent enormous amounts of time in each others physical presence, but we spent so many hours on the phone that it is inconceivable. Seriously, if I was not on the phone with him, I was online with him. If I was not online with him then I was on the phone with him.

The next chapter will have a bit more TMI, and discuss our big breakup. Stay tuned.

So we had exchanged many emails, pm's and if we didn't have unlimited long distance our phone bills would have made us both broke. I have never in my life talked on the phone to one person so much. A lot of times when my friends call, I don't even answer, because I am not one to talk on the phone to much, but I just could not not answer when he called.

I remember, it was around the time Ryan was playing T-ball when we started talking on the phone, and I would rush home from games just to talk to him. I never knew you could miss someone's voice. Their very breath, but I would find myself longing to talk to him.

By this point, our friendship had grown so much. I had told him things that I have never told anyone else, and the same with him. Our secrets began to become something we shared openly with each other. Even when he went on a trip out of town, he was calling.

One trip during this time he was in Alabama, and we were talking on the phone like usual, and it lead to a little more. No I swear there had been twice that I had ever played online or on the phone, and I always ended up laughing because I just thought it was so funny. I mean come on watching a guy do that to himself on cam...it would just crack me up. But that night, well I could not control myself. At first I don't think he knew how to take it, because he knew that I did not do THAT. Well, long story short, his freaking cell phone cut off right in the middle and he could not call back. It totally sucked. It was the first time I had ever began to enjoy myself while talking like that. *wink* I waited patiently for him to call back with nothing. Nada. The next day he called though, after his phone was charged and apologized, but really the moment was lost.

There was another time, shortly after that he mentioned that he had thought about just hopping in his car and driving up here, you know to take care of things. LOL. I had mentioned to him that he should come for Bridge Day, who would have known at that time, that would be one of the sweetest days of my life.

So we made plans for him to visit, and Asrai was going to stop by on her way to her new life. I was so freaking excited, and he was coming the night before Asrai got here. I told him he had to get a hotel room, because I did not know him, LOL. But that first night he ended up staying here.

I remember seeing his car pull in the drive behind my house, and all these butterflies that I had in my stomach. I knew what was going to happen, but I was also meeting someone I considered a dear friend. Someone who knew me like know one else had, and still enjoyed talking to me. He knew my fears, my goals, my secrets, and still he was here. I could not wait to just wrap my arms around him.

So he got out of his car, and I met him outside. The look in his eyes told me that he also knew what was going to happen. Come on girls, we all know that look. The look when someone wants you. You know it, it cannot be denied, and it makes you tingle just a bit.

But, I made him wait just a bit. I was nervous, and in person I am a little shy. We came into the computer room and talked a bit, then went into the living room. All I can say without details, is from that moment it was on. *BIG GRIN*

The next day we met Asrai, and the weekend was just a blast. We all had so much fun. And really, me and him could not keep our hands to ourselves. Even though I can separate romantic feelings from desires, I knew as he left that Sunday that more was going to happen between us. That there was something more. There was a connection there, the chemistry could not be denied. But I also knew that no matter what, we would always be friends. That was a given, you don't share all that we had, and not remain friends.

We began slowly as best friends and that one weekend began something that I think both of us are grateful for.

Next Installment will include how we came to be together. It's kinda like nervous kids.

Okay, so a little continuation of his first part. If you want to know the very beginning, you have to find him.

So I sent that PM, not really thinking about anything but wishing him a happy birthday. I had seen his picture before on OT, but did not know much about him. I am one of those peeps though, if there is a link, I will click it. He had a link to his journal, and I went there, and was touched and saddened by what I read. His past, his history, what he had been through touched me. I just wanted him to know that on his birthday someone was thinking about him.

Simple enough huh, that one pm lead to several more. None of them were anything more than friendly pm's. Discussing relationship issues that he was having and past ones that have helped shape who I am.

At that time there was nothing that told me it would go beyond talking on the computer. We discussed his current relationship, and a past one. We discussed his boys, and my son. That time was a very trying time for me and Ryan. It was during all the problems with him and the bus and at school. Actually, S. is the whole reason I began blogging. I mentioned to him that I had thought about it, to have somewhere to put a hard copy of what was happening because I knew as all mothers know, that me arguing with the school was not going to be enough.

We became quick friends. I understood him, and felt comfortable with talking to him. Within a few months we progressed to Yahoo messenger and email. I found out a lot about him, and found that we had a lot of the same outlooks about sex and stuff. To me I have always been able to separate romantic feelings from sexual desires. One can fuck without loving. That there are three different kinds of relations. Sex, that is just for the gratification, the release. Fucking, that is the toe curling mind blowing, animalistic gotta have it now kind. And then there is making love, which is reserved for two people, who care deeply, who have the need to show the other how much they love, and care.

I got to know the mother of his two boys. Not really though, but through him. And while I can see why she has made others run, his friendship was not something I wanted to let go of just yet. We progressed to email and YM, and one day I came home and a message was waiting for me, saying that he needed to talk. I sent one back and he started to tell me how J. pulled the boys out of his house because one had seen a picture of him kissing another girl that was not mommy. It was Shawns birthday, and S. was just devastated. My heart went out to him, and it broke with his story of how the boys cried. That night I did something that I am not prone to do over the internet.

He asked if he could call me, because he needed to talk. At first I was a little leary, I really had not done that before. There was very little that I had done online that I became comfortable doing with time, with him. That night, after thinking about it and getting Ryan in bed, I gave him my number. That one phone call started us on the path of many many more. So many that some nights I would totally use all the battery in one cordless and have to get the other one and switch back before we were even done.
That one phone call started us on not just a path of quickly becoming best friends, but also where we are now.

More to come...The next installment will include our first real meeting *wink*

Okay a real update.

I have been home for a few days, and I don't like it. I want to go back to my home home.

We had a good Christmas and a wonderful New Years Eve. The last day I was there though was the best. Bittersweet I know, but it was. Warm, mushy, and cuddly.

The wedding has been moved up, to May 5th. We found a little chapel that we can have the wedding and the reception in and it includes everything.

On the drive home, my back started hurting, just a little, enough to drive me batty. It progressively got worse, so yesterday I spent most of the day at the hospital. Well after my tirade on the miner thread, I left for the hospital, because I knew something wasn't right. You should never hurt like that...ever.

I have a kidney stone, and dammit it freaking hurts. I want it to re-lodge, because the thought of passing it, makes me shudder.

My house is a wreak. We left right after Ryan opened Christmas from Santa, so I did not clean anything. Stuff is still everywhere, because frankly I have two comfortable positions right now, sitting and laying down. Standing and walking is almost out of the question. But, I think Asrai may be stopping by tomorrow, so I will have to take a Tylenol and suck it up and clean the house. UGH...I don't wanna move.

*smooches*