Would you please pull that carrot that you call your christian duty out of your ass and stop preaching to me and actually call, just once to see how I am doing, and not to tell me I am going to hell. I love you and want a relationship with you, but you piss me off to no end.

Will you please just get out of my life. You cause problems, problems make me stress, so you make me stress. You are not all that, you just have a pussy people use. Too bad your ass has a direct line to your mouth though.

That little thing that came inside the wedding invitation, you are supposed to return it. With a yes I am coming or a no I am not. If you show up, there may not be enough food for you, and being the bitch I am I may tell you to wait since you easily dismissed that simple little card with the two little check places that was easier to figure out than one that said will you go with me from your elementary days. It is addressed and everything. No card, no food. Sorry. Starve, its my wedding and I am not going to worry about it.


You freaking drive me nuts. All the time. Everyday. But I love you ya big lug.

We have never met, but you are very special to me. We may not talk everyday, and mostly only when I get on YM, but I think of you all the time. I wonder how you are and if things are looking up for you. To me you are not just a friend online, but one IRL. Whenever you smile your face lights up and your eyes twinkle, and I wish you would or could do that more often. Just wanted you to know you are cared for, even when you don't think you are.

You are the biggest freaking asshole I have ever met. I know you are proud of this fact, but you are not even good at it. Good assholes are assholes to people, not to their kids. Once I thought the world revolved around you. You could and did anything you wanted to me, but as soon as your pants came down I was your slut. The only reason I stayed so long and dealt with your sadistic shit was because when you were not drunk or high or fucked up, the sex was crazy good. But now it just makes me sick. So fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Everyday I look at my son and I see you. But the you I see is what you will never be. Sweet, beautiful, and wonderful. His eyes are so much like yours, but not tainted with the hatred that has ran through your blood and ruined you. I will never tell Ryan just what kind of monster you are, but he is slowly finding out that daddy doesn't mean love.

I was reading something on the other place today that made me look some old people up...here are some pics and links...do you know who they are?









Click the links below to hear them then and now...

Before

One Now

Another one Now

And another one


Nutz got a pet and I wanted one too...Rowrrrrr!!!!

adopt your own virtual pet! It follows your pointer and if you pet the kitty it will purrrrrrrrr

Hahaha...that stupid song won't go away.

I did not get to see Arkie this weekend...whaaaaa...but there were reasons. I figured since we would be in TN, that Ryan should, if he wanted to, call his dad and tell him that he was going to be there. Not that I expected him to answer, because he never does. Not that I expected him to actually want to see Ryan, because he never does, but because growing up I never had the option of calling my mother to tell her when I would be in Michigan. I never had the option of seeing her if I wanted to. I swore that I would never make Ryan not see his dad if he really wanted to. Well the asshole answered. Not only did he answer he told Ryan that it was too bad he was coming there, because he was coming here and wanted to see him. Ryan instantly said I will be at my mawmaw and pawpaw's daddy, come see me there.

I did not want to leave my parents in the position of having to deal with this lunatic, nor did I feel very comfortable knowing that he would be here in WV where my son was at and I not there to do something if he tried anything weird, you know like take him. So I called Arkie and explained the situation and we made plans for two weeks from now. Her and S. will still get to visit this week though, which I think is great, they better freaking call me too.

Ryan's dad never showed up Friday night. We were out all day so we missed his call giving his excuse. Instead of me breaking the news to Ryan, I just replayed the voicemail for him. I never want him to blame me the way I blamed my dad for my others shortcomings. The way he looked at me with those eyes full of tears broke my heart. I want to just tell Chris to go to hell not to come back, but this is something that I want Ryan to decide for himself. I know it hurts him and it kills me that it does, but I would rather him figure it out on his own then wonder his whole life why. Ryan went to his room to cry, because he has gotten to that age where he doesn't like to cry in front of people, and while I tried to console him, make him smile, it was S. who did the job with a simple stuffed toy. At that moment he was my little boys hero, and I don't even think he knows it. Chris said he was coming this next weekend, but really I am not holding my breath.

So no Arkie meet for me this weekend. Whaaaaa...

But...in other news, we did have a fabulous time together this weekend. I still have some issues but those will fix themselves as time goes on. S. was simply wonderful in every way. Everything that I have missed and needed was right there. Once again I remembered why it is that this is the man I cannot wait to spend the rest of my life with.

School is going okay...right now is crunch time. One month left till the end of my semester and I still have several things, big things that need to get done. I will probably get an extension on my Criminal Justice Senior Seminar class, unless I can pull a 25-30 page paper out of my arse while finishing all of my case studies for my other classes. Last semester I was planning on this being my last, but with changes in the program, and class shuffling (what is offered in spring, fall, and summer) it looks like I should be able to finish up this freaking degree this summer if I really buckle down and just do it. I will finish, I have came to far not to, sometimes I feel burnt out though. A BA in less than three years is a lot. I have went to school full time, all semesters, and am just a little tired of it. But this is what I want, what I need, what I have worked for, so I will continue and just get it done as soon as I can.

39 more days to go. 39 more days till I am married. It seems so surreal. We had a Dr.s appt. on Friday, Ryan and S. got to hear the baby's heartbeat, and in two weeks...we will know if it is a banana or a peach. Personally, I am hoping for a peach, but a banana will be fine of course. The appt. went well. I have been following my diabetic diet, and it showed. I lost 9 lbs. Which is good. I hate that diet because I eat all the time on it, but the stuff that I eat is good stuff, what I used to mostly eat before Ryan. Lots of veggies, fruits, water. The Dr. had no reason to yell at me this time, so I felt very proud that I did what I was supposed to.

I know y'all will envy me.

This weekend we are going to see the wonderfully sweet Arkie.

Whoo Hoo

This is from very late last night...blogger had some issues and decided not to show it till now I guess...


Ryan woke up sick tonight, and so far all sets of sheets in the house are being washed, all blakets are nasty, all towels are laying in a pile, and he...is laying in the recliner, after just asking why does he feel so bad.

Poor poor baby. He rarely gets ill at night, and usually makes it to the bathroom, but tonight after the first time I just thought of it as too much juice to fast before bed. But it has continued. About every 15-30 minutes I hear that all familiar cough and run to try to catch him to carry him to the bathroom. Is it bad that I want to carry him and care less about it being on me as long as it is not in the carpet?

I stopped in the bar between projectile sessions, and was talking about the dress when the next one hit, so thought while I wait for everything to get washed and dryed I would post some pictures. Lets hope my internet holds out long enough to get this post out there.

I love my dress. And I know that he is not supposed to see me in it till the wedding, but that first day when I saw it in Davids Bridal, I had to show him. Seeing the way he looked at me made me want to get every little thing I had on, from the way to expensive Tiara to the necklace that costs double what the Tiara did. That look, that smile, those eyes, just made me giddy with excitement...and the dress...is simply gorgeous.

Non-traditional, with red satin. Corseting down the back and a long flowy cathedrail veil. I am not all girly girlish...but that day, I felt like I was a princess looking at the price who had come to the castle to save me.

So here it is...

The front



The back...



The Veil...



The Tiara...



The Bridesmaids dress...



I will have a simple bouquet of hand tied red roses, with little greenery. The bridesmaids will carry three long stem white roses.

Only 50 more days...ohhhh and as we have very few address...anyone who can make it is invited...

This is what I am talking about...mood swings.

Yesterday, I wrote out that post, laid down and rested...not slept, just rested me, got up did a few chores and picked up Ryan. As soon as I saw his face, instantly I felt alive. I felt okay once I got up from laying down, but his smiling beaming face just bursting to tell me everything that had happened on the bus...soothed me.

I often say Ryan was my savior, and I truly believe that. He came at a time when my life was nothing but turmoil. He gave me the strength to do what I needed to do for us to survive...and each and every day since then he brings a joy to me that I cannot explain in simple words. A small hug, a little smile, a joke, even when he is being a little hellion, inside he makes me feel whole.

But what I mean about my mood swings...yesterday I felt like crap, then all of a sudden it went away. That is what happens, I feel down and depressed. I cry, I yell, I hate myself, and then it is like something snaps in me and I feel wonderful again. It comes less and less...I just want to get back to the point where I am me. Strong, confident, take on the world with one hand me.

We have everything done, but the little things for the wedding. Little things like favors and bridesmaids gifts are all that are left...and I for one am so glad. This planning shit has drove me crazy, and if the little that we had to do drove me bonkers I am sure if we were at a place that did not include everything I would have snapped all the way by now. But we have everything done, and the chapel is better.

S told you how she told us the place she was moving into was bigger and better and yada yada...we got there and instantly after walking into the actual chapel I felt tears well up. Complete disappointment. There was another couple there, and they were even more verbally upset than what we were. Our chapel went from being elegant and pretty, to being tackyish and just sad. Even her cake lady was disappointed in it, and because we were so bumfuzzled, she gave us an upgrade on our cake with no extra charge. It will be a four tier, with the columns and fountain and steps...it is so so pretty. Vanilla cake with strawberry filling...YUMMY. But still, it did not take away the fact that what we were promised is not what was being delivered. The chapel sucked, invites were already out, too late to change venues pretty much. We told her S would come back and pay the remaining amount the next day.

He didn't.

She called yesterday, wondering if she had missed our call, and then told S that she had made the change that was so needed, and for him to come and take a look. He did, sent me pictures and we both agreed, much better. See at first there was not a center isle, there was only an isle on the side, the left side, and on the right she had long 8 ft pews and was planning on putting little 4 ft park benches on the left. Because of our and the other couples suggestions, she cut the pews to 6 ft. and made a center isle. I am so happy...

I mean how was I going to tell four volatile parents they had to sit on 4 ft. pews and only two can sit in the front? Let me tell ya, it would not have been a pretty picture. You would have my very outspoken dad and sue, and my very alcoholic mom and Don, all fighting for rights to the front. I was not looking forward to it. But she changed it and all will be well.

The price includes all chapel decorations, photographer for wedding pics, and full reception from DJ to food to cake. We just had to pay a little extra for servers and for the flatware...which will be paper or plastic...lmao. Probably pretty plastic.

But all is done and today is bright.

MTW's secrets post got me to thinking. Sometimes secrets are good things, but what about those secrets that affect other people? Should you tell them?

Last week I received a very disturbing anonymous email telling me something that I needed to know, something that should not have been a secret, but was. Should that person not have sent that email?

At first I was really mad. It had to do with some issues and it cut deep. Then I started to find it comical that someone was so worried about what was going on in my life that they had to hide behind a fake name. Then I got suspicious. And. That is bad. I got suspicious because it made me wonder what else it is that is a secret that would hurt and cut deep.

I have always had an ability to use logical reasoning to take the puzzle pieces and see where they fit, to try to figure out what it is that is going on around me. That has always been a quality that has helped in many facets of my life.

Add that email on top of recent events and it is like I am right back where I started from. And you know what, I always feel so ashamed, because when I am in this cycle of depression and hurt and anger, I take it all out on him. And he, does not deserve it, because in all honesty, it is me. It is my craziness that just won't go away.

This weekend was wonderful. Most of the wedding stuff is done. And that is a huge relief, but then today...bam...for no reason but my own feelings, my own thoughts, I succumb to my thoughts and treat him like shit.

I just don't know what to do anymore.

I want to scream for help, for understanding, but all I feel I get are walls all around me. I have no idea how to ask for help. How to reach out and say this is what I feel this is what is wrong with me, this is what needs to happen for it to be fixed. I just don't know how to let go.

Because of that I feel the strain, I feel the discourse and it makes it worse.

I just want for everything to be right again. For me to be enough. For this cycle to end and let me reemerge whole and not broken as I feel most days.

So I figure I should update this thing before I leave.

Not a whole lot to say...but one big thing is that I am beginning to feel more like my old self more every day. There are still a few days, that I have woken up to spend the day trapped in my thoughts, in despair, but those days are coming less and less now. I actually feel good, inside. Which I have missed desperately.

Had a rough day a few days ago, bu that was just me letting some fucking idiot push my buttons. I let them prey on a weakness, and I will say that that mistake will not happen again.

I am getting ready to leave for GA today. In about two hours I will be on my way, and you know...I cannot wait to be there. I am so excited, just giddy with anticipation.

Life is looking up, and I for one am ready for it.

Everyone have a great weekend, and thank you so much for your words of support, encouragement, and just your smooches and hugs. It means a great deal.

*smooches*

I know many of you do not feel that there is a need for Hate Crime legislation. I have explained that hate crimes are focused on certain groups. For the need to extend fear and humiliation to those specific groups. No it is not a hate crime to kill someone, it is a hate crime to kill that person while shooting die fag die.

In WV, a police chief is being sued by the ACLU for failing to administer CPR to a Homosexual, because he assumed he had AIDS. He actually stopped the CPR efforts of one of the victims friends and then told the ambulance drivers to be careful because the victim had AIDS. The victim did not have AIDS, and died shortly after. That...is a hate crime, well not if you live here.

In WV, sexual orientation has never been covered. The ACLU has brought charges, but I don't see it changing in the next few years. Many people here, especially in small towns such as where this was, have the belief that AIDS is a punishment to gay people, and that all gay people have AIDS. They feel it is there rightto protect themselves. But you know what...this is the job that they took. The oath that they are subjected to says that they will protect all people. Does all people not include homosexual people in WV? According to WV State Code it sure does.

Is it a hate crime? Well you all know my opinion, but lets look at some things.

1. If he had not been gay, CPR would not have been stopped.
2. If he had not been gay, the Police Chief would not have told the ambulance driver he had AIDS.
3. If he had not been gay, he may still be alive.
4. If he had not been gay, no one would have assumed that he had AIDS.

He did not recieve lifesaving help because there was the factor of him being gay, and with that came the assumption that he was not only HIV positive, but also had developed AIDS.

I am glad the ACLU is brining a suit against the Police Chief, however there have been several issues of hate crimes here in this state, and little has been done to change the laws.

Last point, Do you know who Arthur Warren Jr. is? No, well that is not surprising as many people do not. His death barely made headlines, however there is a documentary out that we have watched at school about him.

He was a small man, about 135 lbs soaking wet. He was 26 years old, black and gay in rural WV.

Take a moment and read this about Mr. Warren...The full story

If that would not open peoples eyes here in WV, a police chief protected by the Blue Shield will certainaly not change anything.

If one exercises their ability to enjoy sex on a free spirited basis and they are a woman, then they are a whore.

If one exercises their ability to enjoy sex on a free spirited basis and they are a man, then they are studly.

WTF ever.

I like sex. I enjoy sex. Why is it so wrong for a woman to admit this and say I like sex for the recreational and not the procreational? Why are they seen as the loose one as long as they are having sex with a partner that is unattached to someone else? Why are the women the only ones expected to take responsibility for the sex that they have if they also happen to end up with child, if they absolutely do not want that child.

Men really have it easy. They can say ohhhh I want to fuck that woman, and they get all kinds of kicks from their male counterparts, be it a starlet or the neighbor next door. A woman says, I had lots of great sex, or would like to with this person or that, and they get labeled.

When did we move back to the 1950's? Or have we really ever left in that aspect? I mean nothing really detrimental is done to the men who choose to leave and never return. Who choose to not take responsibility for their actions. The laws and the enforcement of those laws are a joke. Programs to help the women who choose to take responsibility are cut all the time. For what? To show them to suck it up and get off the system? Guess what...most would not even be on the system if there was stricter enforcement of the men who took part in the baby makin' to begin with. Really.

Really, why can I not say I LOVE SEX. I love sex with different people, because they each give me a different feeling? Why is it then that I am looked at as bad...ohhh there she goes the chick who likes to fuck.

Fuck...it is such a dirty word. I use it all the time. I like to fuck. There I said it. But why when a woman expresses that she actually enjoys the act, she is then required to have it only for procreational uses? Just because we like to get some, doesn't mean we like to pop out babies like a factory.

Tell me again, what is the real difference between a man and a women expressing that they like sex for recreational satisfaction rather than procreational responsibility? Could it be that those who say we are bad, we are wrong, we are dirty, be the ones with the real problem. With an issue of having a woman as their equal.

If you told a man that he no longer could have recreational sex, do you think they would actually comply? Yea sure, as soon as that fine ass honey walks outta their room.

And you know what...sex is healthy. It promotes your health. It is very healthy for women to have a protected sex life. So I say...have as much sex as you want, protect yourself, stay away from other peeps men or women, and have a grand time. Tell the others who call you loose or whatever to find some toe curling, hit the ceiling, scream out loud satisfaction.